October 2020 post 9 - Plans

One of my anxiety triggers is when plans go awry. 

I’m not talking about when you plan to make chicken for dinner and it goes spoiled and you can’t make it, but bigger picture plans. I can adapt to day to day changes yet struggle when we have to shift trajectory on our “buying a new car” plan or “fixing up the house” plan.

My husband doesn’t understand it, and I have begun to take my hands off the reigns, let him do whatever he wants, and periodically make passive aggrieved remarks if there’s something I’m not in agreement with. Healthy, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I do try to speak my mind, but when someone doesn’t understand your anxiety trigger because their mind doesn't work the same way, you’re just shouting into a void. It’s better to just coast along with it sometimes, especially when it takes some of the pressure off of you. It helps calm the panic. 

Tyler not understanding my anxiety triggers is probably the #1 argument starter in our marriage. He also suffers from anxiety, but his manifests as head aches and crabbiness. Mine is more intense and impossible to ignore at its worst; nausea, tears, shakes, inability to function, inability to think or speak in complete sentences, severe anger, severe sadness, rocking, exhaustion, and more. He gets a little cranky and his head hurts, and he doesn’t understand my reactions. His go to is “just calm down.”

I have no expectation of him understanding, and I am trying very hard to be able to vocalize my anxiety better. It’s just not that simple. When I say “I thought we had a plan”, I mean, “I don’t like how you’ve changed our plan and it’s upsetting my internal balance.” If I say the latter, he will try to logic his way out of it. That’s his go to; he tries to apply logic to something illogical. Mental health ya’ll. What a mind fuck.

So, today I’m sitting on the couch, rocking (at a faster pace than usual), and trying to figure out a logical way to explain to my husband that the decisions he’s been making for the last month are giving me so much anxiety that I’m having chest pain. (No, I’m not having a heart attack.) He won’t stop what he’s doing, he’ll just feel bad about it for an hour. That doesn’t do either of us any good, so how do I approach this? So far, I’ve pretty much repeated the words “do whatever you want” way too many times this week. There HAS to be a better way to not be so anxious over changes to big plans, right? 

There has to be... Something better than “get over it” and “calm down”. There has to be.

October 2020 - post 8

 What is the best ice cream? I know it's fall, but is it ever really NOT ice cream or custard season?

My brother and I were discussing flavors recently, and we both agreed that cookies and cream is one of the BEST! I love anything with mint, he does. I also love chocolate with cherries or peanut butter, he wasn't as into that either. He likes anything with caramel, which I do not favor. 

Moreover, where is the best place to buy custard or ice cream? My husband likes Dairy Queen, I prefer custard shops like Culvers or Kopps. My brother is in agreement with me here. The kids like Culvers. I recently tried gelato for the first time ever; does that supersede ice cream and custard? I think not. 

And who has the best store bought brand? We tend to lean toward Breyers. Are there better options? 

I sit here, eating a bowl of cookies and cream custard from Culvers, (don't worry I took a lactaid) pondering the meaning of life from an ice cream standpoint. 

My follow up oncology appointment is one week from today, and I feel more and more anxious the closer it gets to the actual appointment. I’m not expecting any surprises, I feel good, and I think that’s what scares me the most. 

I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our life is looking more and more like it used to, and I feel more and more happy and relaxed, and now I have my five month check up exactly 2 years after my initial diagnosis, and it’s almost like I’m too happy with life. Maybe if I were miserable I wouldn’t be so panicked about my check up, because then I would be expecting the worst. 

This, however, it’s almost more difficult. Here I am, happy with life, and I can’t help but feel afraid that I’m going to go to my appointment and it’s going to slap me in the face again like it did last time.

Here’s hoping things are as good as I feel.

October 2020 post 7

My husband got in a car accident today. It was his first accident ever as a driver. He was a passenger as teenager for an accident, but otherwise he has no experience with car accidents. He was embarrassed and he was shook up but he’s OK. 
The car is pretty beat up, a lot of front end damage. We’ll know more this weekend about whether or not it can be repaired and how much that’ll be. Luckily no one was at fault so all we have to pay as our insurance deductible, and we have accident forgiveness so our insurance premium isn’t going up anytime soon either.

I posted that he got in a car accident on my Facebook social media page. Within 15 minutes he asked me to take it down because he was embarrassed. He doesn’t have social media accounts. He got a text from a friend asking if he was OK. I don’t think my husband understands how much I need to discuss things when they happen. Part of how I get through my anxiety is I communicate through it. When he called me and told me he got in a bad accident, within a few seconds I felt like I was going to throw up and began to physically shake. I knew I wasn’t actually sick and it was just my nerves and anxiety getting the better of me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had that physical response.

I’m a talker. It helps me sort through my feelings when I say things out loud or write them down and I’m able to get feedback from other people on it. My husband is not a talker, so sometimes I turn to my friends, my social media page, etc. In this particular instance I feel like I can’t really post it on Facebook, so I’m blogging about it because not a lot of people read my blogs anyway. 

I guess right now I just feel like I need to get it out. I texted some close friends, coworkers, and he told his mom about it. It helps to be able to talk to those friends. I am a slave to social media, though. To be honest, some days I just want to delete my Facebook. I like having it because I like to see what everybody’s up to, I like to see pictures my friends post, and I really like the fact that I can communicate with people who are far away, especially during this strange time. But days like today where I posted something that I wanted to talk about and I wasn’t able to because it affects him too, it made me wish I didn’t rely so heavily on Facebook for social interactions. It also makes me wish that how I navigate through my anxiety was something that didn’t bother my husband. It’s a weird position for us both to be in. He hates any and all attention, and for me it isn’t the attention but the need to discuss everything. He doesn’t even want to discuss. He wants to fix, do, and forget about it. All in silence. Ha, so the opposite of me.

He’s ok. That’s the key point here. The rest will sort itself out.

October 2020 - Post 6

Can we talk about Kelly Preston for a minute?

I don’t have all the details on her diagnosis, but I do know after a 2 year battle with breast cancer she died at age 57. This just happened in July, 2020. I hated reading about it, hated reading the heartfelt posts her daughter and husband posted on social media, and hated that her youngest child was only 9 when she passed away. I hated that a celebrity with infinite resources, infinite options, couldn’t beat her bc diagnosis. Every part of me hurt reading that she died, and even writing this is difficult for me. https://people.com/movies/kelly-preston-dies-of-breast-cancer-at-57/

I’m so much less anxious than I was 3 months ago, even though it’s the anniversary month of my diagnosis. Therapy has helped, a lot. My checkup is coming up on 10/27, too. That’s both nerve wracking but also reassuring. I feel good, and I hope nothing pops up that changes that.

That being said, it’s a somber reminder to me when I hear or read that someone with young children, like myself, has lost their battle with cancer. It’s especially difficult for me if it’s breast cancer. I wish I didn’t think about it all of the time. I wish I was reminded of it every day. I wish it hadn’t been such hell to go through. I wish a lot of things, but it doesn’t change anything. We just have to carry on.

Until next time...!

October 2020 post 5 - Ode de Tyler

Post 5 is all about the other conductor on this train; Tyler.

When I was going through a divorce he was my friend and helped support me when I needed it. He lifted me up and made me feel strong when I felt weak.

When he was my boyfriend he held on even when I tried to run away. He wouldn’t let my fear ruin our relationship. He was strong for us both.

When I was going through treatment he took care of himself, the kids, and me. He carried a heavy weight around for a year, and still slapped a smile on his face every day to make me feel better. He was strong for our whole family.

Now... we argue, we whine, we bicker, but we also love. He appreciates when I say sorry, and apologizes when he’s wrong. He hugs me randomly. He cuddles me when I need it, sometimes when I didn’t even realize I needed it. He’s an amazing dad and reminds me every day of what’s important. He keeps me laughing. He cheers me up when I’m sad. My happiness makes him happy, and his happiness make me happy.

So... I appreciate him, and I hope he knows just how much.

October 2020 post 4

Fear. How does my fear of the coronavirus differ from my fear of the reoccurrence of breast cancer? In some ways they feel very similar, and neither are very far from my mind at any given time. 

One way that they’re similar is that my fear of the coronavirus is more for my children, just like if your reoccurrence is centered around my children. Every parent is only ever trying to protect her child in every way they can. When my children write reports at school or talk to their friends and teachers at school somehow, someway, cancer always comes up. Last week alone I heard Desmond use me as an example in one of his classes, and then a separate incident Shamus was telling his friends about how he goes to a special camp for people whose parents have or have had cancer. Also, I’d like to not die.

Now with the coronavirus, it weighs heavily on my mind because my children can catch it. It’s not like cancer where I’m concerned about how they’re mentally handling my battle; this is something that can actually infect them. So many unknowns about what the long-term effects of the coronavirus do to our bodies concerns me when it comes to my children. I also worry about Desmond because he’s got asthma. It’s possible when this all began we had it unknowingly, but that doesn’t make me want to catch it again or risk my children getting sick. God forbid any of us get a bad case, but if we do, I’d lay my life down for any of these kids and Tyler.

Shamus started school this week and it’s a little bit stressful, but I know it’ll be good for his mental health. We will also be good for my mental health. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m still nervous about it. Every day I ask myself if I’m making the right choices for my children. The coronavirus is just another way I’m second-guessing every decision I make in regards to them. Did I buy the right masks? Should I not let Shamus go back to school? Should I not let my daughter have a sleepover at her grandma’s? Should we not see your family members, even though it’s rare? We’re trying to be safe, but at what point do you have to live and not let fear rule over your life? It’s the same with the coronavirus as it is with worrying about breast cancer reoccurrence; you can’t live your life in fear. I’m not going barhopping, we don’t eat out very often, we are wearing masks and social distancing, but we are also living.

Anyway, I am afraid 100% of the time. I am afraid for myself, I’m afraid for my husband, and most importantly I’m afraid for my children. We cannot let our lives be ruled over our fear. I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, and I’m not saying jump out of a plane without a parachute, but it is really important to be with people you care about and love. If everyone is safe, or safe to the best of their abilities, then I say be with the people you love, and do the things you love.

October20 post 3 - pink everywhere

There’s a lot of “pink” around in October. While I appreciate the thought, making a difference won’t come from buying hummus or yogurt with a pink lid, or eggs with a ribbon stamp. 

Instead, I encourage donating to breast cancer research or support group.

Here are some of my personal recommendations...

BCRF: https://www.bcrf.org/

American cancer society/making strides: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/BettyGramz

ABCD: https://abcdbreastcancersupport.org/

That’s all I’ve got for today.

October20 post 2 - Deodorant

What brand of deodorant do you use? Secret? Dove? Degree? Something else? Since middle school, I’ve switched between Suave, Dove, and Secret, never giving more thought to it than which scent I preferred and which would be strongest against my sweaty lady armpits. Usually I landed on Secret, but Dove was always a close second.

A few years before my diagnosis I read an article on social media about Aluminium in antiperspirant and deodorant. Aluminium mimics estrogen in the body and is a possible  contributing factor in causing breast cancer.

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/myths/antiperspirants-fact-sheet

I read this long before I was aware if my genetic mutation or that I’d end up with cancer. Instantly, though, I thought to myself Why not try an all natural deodorant? Worst case it doesn’t work. So, I did. I started using Native. I found it at Target for $11.99 a bar (expensive, I know), then later found their website where it was 3 bars for $30. 

After my diagnosis it became a priority for me to do everything in my power to adjust my habits to support fighting cancer. I’ve tried 8 different natural deodorants, including Native. I’m here to tel you that hit all natural deodorants are created equal. Some do not work for me, others work great, and some I know folks who’ve had bad experiences with. I am going to now tell you all 8 brands I’ve tried, and which are my favorite, in order from least favorite to the best.

#8 (the least fav) Jason; soothing aloe Vera scent Jason Soothing Aloe Vera Aluminum & Paraben Free Deodorant Stick, 2.5 oz https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B002LMK14K/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_v0EEFbK3V0YE2

Nope nope nope. While this is on the more cost effective side, it just doesn’t work. My initial opinion before wearing it was that it smells really good, is a smooth texture so it’s easy to apply, and I love the price. Within an hour, however, my pits stink. This happens without noticeable sweating, just my natural perspiration doesn’t mesh well with Jason’s brand, and I end up stinky. I smell better without deodorant, honestly. I’ve got half a stick left in the medicine cabinet, and I’m not even sure why I hand onto it. Maybe one of the boys can use it!

#7 Crystal mineral; lavender & white tea scent. Crystal Mineral Deodorant Roll-On, Lavender & White Tea 2.25 oz https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B0028FLM16/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2bFEFbDXGS2E4

I tried a mini roll on because it was low in price. I don’t have the bottle anymore to take a photo, but this one wasn’t horrible. The larger sticks are more expensive than the little one I tried. The scent was ok, and it worked. It was a roller, and I felt like I had to reapply halfway through the day to stay fresh. It worked-ish, as long as I reapplied. I know they make bar style deodorants, and maybe that would’ve worked better than the roller. Either way, didn’t hate it, and it was better than Jason.

#6 Love Beauty and Planet; murumuru butter and rose. Love Beauty And Planet Deodorant, Murumuru Butter and Rose 2.95 oz https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07GSYKKXV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KjFEFbSNPZZ43

I loved the smell. It applied easily and kept me smelling fresh. Sadly after 3 days of using it, though, I got a rash under my arms that was painful. It was disappointing. I didn’t try other scents, and stopped using it right away. I doubt others will experience the same thing I did, everyone’s skin is different. I would absolutely recommend trying it. It did work and smelled great, but it just didn’t work with my skin. If you have sensitive skin which usually I do not, this is one I would recommend against.

#5 Native; Coconut Vanilla scent. Native Deodorant - Natural Deodorant for Women and Men - Vegan, Gluten Free, Cruelty Free - Aluminum Free, Free of Parabens & Sulfates - Coconut & Vanilla https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07GB3NVN1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7tFEFbABBTAZH  You can get this retail for about $12, but online Native has boxes 3/$30 and save a couple bucks. I liked Native a lot, I’ve tried many scents, it works, and the smells are strong. A few notes; it doesn’t glide on as smoothly as others unless you warm it up a bit in your skin first, and also a friend of mine got a rash from using the bergamot scented bar that lasted weeks. The price in combination with the extreme rash puts the Native brand at #5 for me. It works, smells great, but again skin sensitivities could be an issue.

#4 Schmidts charcoal & magnesium scent. Schmidt's Natural Deodorant for Men and Women, 24 Hour Odor Protection and Freshness Charcoal + Magnesium Aluminum Free, Vegan, Certified Cruelty Free, 3.25 oz https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B071YYMZ19/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_GyFEFbH5YB6YE

The price of Schmidt’s is right, it works, and it smells good. This one works as well as Native if not better. It works for a long time, keeping me fresh, and it glides on well. I don’t know of anyone who has had sensitivity issues with Schmidt’s, and this one gets a ranking above Native in my books because of price. They work equally as well, but Schmidt is $4 less. Win!

NOW FOR MY TOP THREE!

Any of these I would recommend.

#3 Lume; jasmine rose scent. Lume Natural Deodorant - Underarms and Private Parts - Aluminum Free, Baking Soda Free, Hypoallergenic, and Safe For Sensitive Skin - 2.2 Ounce Stick Two-Pack (Jasmine Rose) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07ZXFZ2SW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oEFEFbCSXCMXK  Here’s the scoop; lume works great everywhere, but Lume is PRICY. It’s a liquid deodorant so application is easy. It works for DAYS, and it works EVERYWHERE. Ladies and gentlemen, a deodorant for that little fold between your legs has arrived. I apply a little on my upper thighs on particularly hot days. It comes in your normal looking deodorant stick container or you can get a squeeze bottle. I have both. I’m a big fan of either. The negatives; obviously price. It’s the second most expensive of all that I tried at $26 for 2. Also the fact that it’s a gel/liquid. You have to wait for it to dry before dressing or putting your arms down. No biggie but annoying if you’re in a rush. I absolutely love it, though. Easily one of my favorite deodorants of all time.

#2 Lavanila vanilla lemon. Lavanila The Healthy Deodorant, Fresh Vanilla Lemon, 2 Fluid Ounce by Lavanila https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B0149K2MXY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_wVIEFbWRYWCFW  This one is the most expensive, but my very favorite as far as controlling sweat and stank. It lasted, and it made me feel like an antiperspirant does; dry. This is the only one that worked this well. So, it’s #1 for quality but it’s cost drops it into the #2 slot. It’s smooth to apply, smells great, lasts long, and you don’t need to cake it on to feel like it’s effective. If you don’t mind the price this is the brand that worked best, even better than Lume for me. It is my favorite for effectiveness!

#1 Doterra natural deodorant; any scent I just happen to have citrus blossom right now. https://www.doterra.com/US/en/p/natural-deodorant-infused-with-doterra-balance-essential-oil  

Balance is the scent I’ve used most often and they work as well as each other. This is my number one overall for three reasons; 1. It’s effective 2. It smells the best of all of them; every scent, every time, is great. 3. The cost is affordable. It’s $11.67 if you aren’t a member of doterra, $8.75 if you are (and I am!)  if you don’t want to spent the $11.67, find yourself a doterra rep and get it from them. They have a sensitive blend too, which is a citrus scent, that I’ve tried and love. The citrus blossom was a special they had in the summer, and the balance they always have and is the one I usually use. This doesn’t apply as easily as Lume or Lavanila, especially if your home is cooler. You’ll need to warm to against your skin to get it to apply more easily, but it’s worth it. Given the 3 things listed about, I highly recommend this one.

Any of the top 3 listed are great options. You just have to try a bunch of them to see which works best for you. Either way, STOP USING ALUMINUM DEODORANT. RFN. :) Please & thank you.

October 2020 post 1

October is breast cancer awareness month. October is also a big month for me, this year and every year. 10/1 is my wedding anniversary, 10/27/2020 I have my oncology checkup, and 10/31/2020 is the 2 year anniversary or my diagnosis. I’ve decided to make a goal of 10 blog posts in October to help me manage my anxiety this month, while also spreading useful information that supports the fight against breast cancer.

Today I posted on my Facebook page about where to find free or reduced priced mammogram screenings. Mammograms are great if you’re over 40, but please, please, please dedicate one day a month to check your ta-tas. If you don’t already do it, start. Unless you’ve got a known, high risk predisposition to breast cancer, regular screenings aren’t recommended until you are 40 years old. If you’re interested in where to get mammograms in WI for free or low cost, that info can be found here: https://www.freemammograms.org/state/wisconsin?fbclid=IwAR1lcP9AZ-s0g0pqn60eohPtjltkmtCdFRy7XQ1nFM2vZZOOWi19urE_-f8

I detected my tumors myself, and a former coworker dubbed them “Monday and Tuesday”, as a joke, because they’re the worst days of the week. I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner at my OBGYN office for an exam, who seemed to think that Monday and Tuesday could very well be cysts, but to be sure she had me schedule a mammogram and ultrasound. The mammogram and ultrasound appointment was a week and a half later, on Halloween. Before I left the imaging office the radiologist had been very honest with me, advising I had every marker they look for with breast cancer. Two days later I sat at the hospital learning about my treatment options, what type of breast cancer I had, and how advanced it was. Initially they told me I was early stage 2, but eventually I learned I was late stage 3, grade 3, triple negative. Five weeks later my genetic testing came back positive for a BRCA1 mutation. Only 10-15% of breast cancers are triple negative, and a BRCA1 mutation increases your risk by 60% of getting cancer. Many times if you do get cancer with a genetic mutation, it’s triple negative.

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/breast-cancer/understanding-a-breast-cancer-diagnosis/types-of-breast-cancer/triple-negative.html

https://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/InheritedGeneticMutations.html

So how can you combat something like your DNA? That’s a hard question, but one I’ve thought about unendingly. Diet is one way I’ve worked to be healthy. Low sugar, lots of fruits and vegetables, and mostly eat seafood, nuts, and legumes as a form of protein. I haven’t given up meat, but I do limit it. I don’t deny myself a treat here and there, but my diet is different than it was. I also try to get at least 30 minutes of cardio in at least 5 times a week. Usually it’s either my stationary bike or a walk, but I DO IT. Now, admittedly my weight isn’t as low as I’d like, but I am working at it every day. https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-causes/diet-physical-activity/diet-and-physical-activity.html

My next post will be about my opinions and experiences with natural deodorant, and why I insist EVERYONE SWITCH, ASAP.

Autumn 2020

Summer is coming to an end, virtual school is in full swing, and I keep wishing I’d win the lottery (if I only played the lottery...) I’ve been indulging in pumpkin spice lattes for a few weeks now; homemade and Starbucks. Tyler and I have been discussing the holidays, I’ve been organizing the few Christmas gifts I’ve already purchased, and made lists of what I’d still like to get. I’m working with my therapist on anger management and self forgiveness, and it’s still going well. I still tend to be a little hard on myself when I experience “cancer paranoia” and any kind of anxiety but I’m working to get over that. 

I can’t say what triggered this, but recently I’ve been really missing my grandpa. I’ve been talking about him a lot, reminiscing about my favorite moments, and even recently got into a conversation with my nail tech during my last pedicure about Grampy which resulted in both of us in tears. Good tears, but tears non-the-less. The 6 year anniversary of his passing is this November, so as it draws near thoughts of him will only increase. I miss him. I miss him so much. One of the first thoughts I had when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2018 was I wish my Grampy were here. He was always such a big support system for me, and although in the last year or so of his life he wasn’t the man I’d known, the real him always shines through. I wish Evelyn could know him. I wish Shamus had known him like Desmond had.

My 4 year wedding anniversary is 10/1, and the 2 year mark of my diagnosis is coming up on 10/31, too. October is a bizarre month for me. I think about my diagnosis a lot, but not as much as I did. It’s still every day, but not all of the time every day. That’s an improvement. Today for instance; I thought about it in the shower this morning, then again when I started talking about my grandpa in the above paragraph. When Tyler and I were first married I worried he’d have to take care of me when we get old, specifically with the fear of Alzheimer’s. Now I worry he won’t have to... it’s a strange feeling. The fear of dying makes me feel self centered and selfish, which is another thing I’m working through; not only trying not to worry about what I can’t control but also that self forgiveness I talked about earlier.

RBG died last week, and that really sucked. Honestly I felt like she was a super hero, a true life super hero, and that made her immortal in my mind. In a way I guess she is immortal, I really hope all future generations of women and girls know her full worth and appreciate it.

Anyway, happy fall. Fingers crossed the Covid numbers start falling instead of rising.

It ain’t getting any easier

It’s been a while. I’ve written a few blogs here and there but never published any of them. We’ve all been living through the coronavirus in our own ways, and a few posts about it didn’t do it justice. It’s been strange. It’s been new. It’s been stressful. For everyone.

Life is tough. Period. There’s no way to avoid it. My adult life has been riddled with stress and obstacles. Looking back, there isn’t much I would change, but there is some. 2012; miscarriage and divorce. 2014; losing my grandfather. 2016; almost losing my daughter and going through the most mentally challenging pregnancy of my life. 2017; my mom had a heart attack and almost died. 2018-2019; cancer. 2020; Covid19. Folks, I need a vacation. I had one planned, but it was cancelled due to Covid19... ugh.

Recently, I finally found a new psychologist and psychiatrist I like. I had been trying to find someone on my doctors on demand app, but I found a local pair instead. It’s virtual visits, but I’m hoping it helps me. Right now I’m focused on talk therapy with the understanding that if it isn’t enough, I’ll try antidepressants and something other than my “every once and a while” xanax. 

My goals; anger and anxiety management and dealing with my illness PTSD. My first go-round with therapy I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, but I now have this fun thing called illness anxiety disorder (Also sometimes called hypochondria). I’ve got whatever version of it where I obsess over possibly having metastatic cancer while also completely avoiding it. For example, my arm bothered me for 6 weeks before I told my husband or my doctor. Turned out it was lymphedema, which can be serious, but is manageable. I made myself miserable trying to ignore it, while also being totally worried about it. So, I obsess over mets, but avoid telling anyone and try to not think about when something seems off, because I’m deathly afraid of getting cancer again - enter the PTSD. I guess almost dying really messes with you. I was a tough cookie, or so I thought, the whole time I was in treatment. I thought this would be over. It’s so far from over, and it eats you up from the inside. 

I also obsess about time with my kids; I need as much time with them as possible in case I die soon. I want them to remember me and how much I love them. It’s a lot of pressure to put on myself to always want to be present with them, and dote on them, and remind them I love them, and make memories with them. There is no time for me to recharge. I dedicate as much free time to them as I can. Working from home due to COVID19 has this one major perk; I’m getting all of this extra time with my babies. More memories. More love... More stress. Seriously, these kids are nuts.

I’m also much needier than I’ve ever been before. It’s a heavy weight on my marriage. I try to push this down, too, and be as much of my old self as I can. My husband doesn’t like the neediness of the new me. He doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t know how to give what I’m asking for, and most of the time I’m not even sure I know how to explain it. It’s an emotional neediness, and the harder I try to push it down the more it bothers me, and it’s creating this canyon between us. Every once and a while one of us creates a bridge and we have a good few weeks, but it doesn’t last. I’m working on this with my therapist, too. It’s not Tyler’s responsibility to make me feel beautiful or ease my cancer fears, and it’s not fair to rely on him for that. This is an inner journey, and I need to take it myself. It would be nice if he could magically make me feel better, but neither of us know how he can do that. He has openly admitted he’s miserable, especially since I used to be positive and bubbly, and now I’m always worried and anxious. Who knew my mental health would take such a hit after my physical health was on the upswing? Obviously his unhappiness admission doesn’t help my confidence issues, but I’m working on it. 

It’s interesting the things that set off my anxiety, too. A comment about my decision to not do reconstruction, bam 2 weeks of being miserable. I don’t even understand why. I don’t regret it. I don’t need or want boobs, and the increased risk of reoccurrence with implants doesn’t interest me, nor do additional surgeries. But I hear Tyler make a sad joke about them, or someone tells me a story about someone bashing the decision, and it’s all I can think about for days. Not because I’d wish I’d done something different, but because I DON’T want something different, and I crave understanding. On the bright side, my chest tattoo is back on the table and should be actually happening soon!

My next checkups are mid-August with my surgeon and late October with my oncologist. I’m trying not to think too hard about them. I should be thankful my treatment worked so well and I’m doing ok, instead of always worried and panicked over the next thing to go wrong. 

We’ll get there. For now, I’ll take my therapists advise and log my worries in a worry journal and the things I’m thankful for in a gratitude journal. I’m hoping the gratitude journal ends up bigger.

Until next time!

Priorities

I am many things; wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, cancer survivor, employee. It's funny how the way I align myself with these many things has changed over the years.

In my twenties, as a young mother, I always strove to be a good parent, but I was also going to college and working full time trying to make myself an asset to the company I worked for. I worked two or more jobs at any given time; some self-employment, others not. I wanted to feel professionally accomplished.  I still do, but it doesn't hold the same weight as it once did.

I haven't worked a second job for many years now, but recently I decided to do it again. This time, though, it's different. This time the job isn't for extra money or to achieve something significant professionally. This time I got a job where I felt like I could do some good. After my LiveStrong class was complete, I got a job at the YMCA. During one of our last LiveStrong classes I was talking with one of the instructors, telling her that I've been working in the industrial field, but that I would really like to do something to help people. So many people helped me when I was going through cancer, and it meant more to me than I could possibly express. I want to pay it forward. The instructor recommended I apply at the Y. The Y is involved in so many wonderful things within the community that any position there could provide a positive impact. I looked into it, found a position I knew I could do (the business office), applied, and got the job.

I am still working full time as a CSR in the industrial field. That hasn't changed. Now, however, I am also working at the YMCA with renewed passion. My passion in the industrial field was always based around the thrill of the sale and my confidence in my chemical compatibility knowledge. It's my strong suit. It just isn't giving me the satisfaction it once did. My priorities shifted when I was battling breast cancer. So many people had influence in keeping my spirits up or helping me get through rough patches. I want to be that for someone. I want to help someone else who is having a hard time. There are so many forms of "help", and the Y is a way I can do that. It's only a few hours a week, but I am there helping people be healthy, signing people up for memberships, and giving back by donating to the Y for their various free programs they offer for people like me...

The biggest problem with trying to give myself over, even for just a few hours, is I miss out on time with my family. Yes, doing good and helping other is something I feel passionate about, but nothing in this world supersedes the importance of my family. Every part of my yearns to be near them when I'm not at home. Even going to the 9-5 job Monday-Friday leaves me missing my children, missing my husband, and wishing I could just be NEAR them all of the time. It's not just my children and husband either; I call my mom almost every single day now. I never did that prior to cancer. We would talk once a week, maybe text a few times, but now... now it's almost every day. My 17-1/2 minute drive home from work belongs to my mom. My brother and I were always close, and I try to stay in touch with him as often as mom, though it's not as easy. Many times prior to the last few weeks, he was on our phone calls. He works 3rd shift now, but we are still finding time to hang out and talk. 

My point is, the shift is significant. Working is a means to an end; it pays my mortgage but it doesn't give any extra meaning to my life. All that matters to me is being a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good friend. Everything else is only there because the world says it has to. I don't need to do anything else professional to be satisfied or feel accomplished. If my children are happy, if the people that I care about are happy, and if I can help even just one person while working at the Y or at my full time job, then I am satisfied in every way I possibly can be.

I could go on and on. I find myself thinking about my friends often. I think of all the ways they improve my life and all the added value they give to the world. I've got an incredible group of friends, most of whom I've known for 20 or so years. Some are from high school, some from jobs I've worked, and others through one of those high school or work folks. I am lucky to have them in my life, and feel like they deserve their own blog. One of these friends is doing this amazing thing where she posts on Facebook every Sunday honoring someone she respects and values. She calls them her "person of the week." It's this beautiful thing where she gets to build up people in her own way. I want to do that too, in a way. Maybe I'll blog about it... I just want the people I care about to know how much I care and value them. Some know, but others... maybe they don't know how much they mean to me. I want to make sure they do. 

My book club gives me closeness with many of my friends, and while it isn't all of my friends it's quite a few. It helps fill a social void I ignored for a long time. Not only do we get to hang out, but we also get to talk about good books. That in itself is something I won't ever give up again. Good books. Speaking of friends, I finally tried Jujitsu after years of my two best friends insisting I give it a try. My favorite part of that night; spending time with them.

Anyway - to summarize my priorities have shifted to PEOPLE. That's really what matters, isn't it?

Just a regular Wednesday

Hunched over the sink just trying to brush my teeth before work when a hot flash so intense I have to whip open the bathroom window to let the 19 degree morning air blow onto me. Sometimes it is while I’m doing my hair, sometimes it’s while I’m trying to put eye liner on, other times I’m just sitting there doing nothing.

I never imagined that this would be my normal morning when I imagined how I would be 3 weeks before turning 35. In the scheme of things that have happened the last 2 years surgical menopause and hot flashes aren’t a big deal... unless you’re in the middle of one at that exact moment. Then it’s a sweaty, uncomfortable, disgustingly big deal.

Nobody hug me for a minute. I need to dry off.

Tired of Complaining

Week two of the new year, and I feel like the only things I want to write about are complaints! Who wants to read that crap?

Update on the stomach: I am on Omeprazole, and while I want to believe this stomach issue is the only thing going on in my body, I know better. The front of my neck started to hurt, badly, three days after I started taking the medication. The pain hasn't gone away; we're going on 9 days of pain. I messaged my primary and she wrote me out a prescription for muscle relaxers and was thinking maybe my joints are swollen, assuming the neck is just another muscle ache. (she called it costochondritis - don't worry I had to look it up, too: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/costochondritis/symptoms-causes/syc-20371175). I referred back to one of my breast cancer support groups and found this was common for radiation patients, and others had also had these muscle pain issues. Something I did not mention in my New Years post is that I spent the morning of 12/23 in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. I wasn't, and they told me to take Advil and Tylenol and sent me on my way. This lead to me seeing my primary on the 30th. Between the Omeprazole and muscle relaxers, my shoulder and chest pains are gone, and my stomach discomfort has subsided. Something is definitely working the way it should.

The neck pain, however, is worse. In fact, now the front of my throat is a little swollen. This could be a trick of my body though. I also came down with a bad cold Wednesday. This isn't swollen lymph nodes in my neck though, this is the center of the front of my throat. It isn't a muscular pain, and it's swollen around my windpipe/esophagus. It hurts to touch it, and it hurts when I lean my head backward. It is getting increasingly difficult to sleep because of it. No fun.

Months ago I wrote a blog about how you really should not consult Google on medical questions. The same goes for now, but who really listens to their own advise? Of course, the first thing that comes to mind whenever I have a health concern is CANCER. Is it back? It this metastatic breast cancer that spread somewhere else? I know it's possible, but I also know that throat and thyroid cancers aren't likely to become a metastatic area for breast cancer to spread. That being said, both chemo and radiation can cause thyroid issues... so now I am worried about THAT! Oh goody.

I swear, I was not a hypochondriac before I got cancer. I worried like anyone else, but never really took those worries seriously until something serious happened. I read through some of the symptoms of thyroid issues after it popped up on that Google search that I mentioned I should not have done. I have gained some weight over the last few months. I figured it was inactivity, but then I joined the LiveStrong class and worked out regularly for 3 months... but only gained more weight. I have the neck pain thing going on. I've got the muscle soreness. I am always fatigued so how would I be able to tell if it's worse?  I could go on and on, but long story short, you can make ANYTHING sound like it fits when you're freaking out. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypothyroidism/symptoms-causes/syc-20350284

So now, I am counting calories, working out even more, and drinking a TON of extra water. I lost 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Almost as long as my throat pain has been going on. Weird. Again, I am going to try to stop freaking out. The pain never goes away though, so the thoughts are never far from my mind.

I mentioned I came down with a cold on Wednesday - oh what a doozy! Evelyn came down with the cold on Sunday, Tyler had it the next day, and Wednesday was my lucky day.  All of us had fevers, sinus issues, dry cough, and scratchy throats, (not to be confused with the throat pain I have in addition to this). I stayed in bed, literally, all day Wednesday, falling asleep on and off. Tyler toughed through it and didn't take any days off, but I can tell I am recovering from my cold already and he is still plagued by his.  He probably should've taken a day off. Evelyn also seems to be getting better, too. We've been careful to keep the boys at an arms length so they don't also get sick.

I've had other small things stressing me out that don't weigh on me as much as the health issues going on, but are always still there; a text squabble with the ex I didn't see coming, Shamus's behavior at school, work stress, money stress because who doesn't, marital stress, work stress, and the list goes on. Ok, obviously today is not one of those "looking on the bright side days" and that's OK. Once I get these aches and pains figured out, I'm sure my piece of mind will return...

But until then...

Whine... whine... complain... and so on.

New Year, Same Me

Happy new year! The last week has filled my social media feeds with resolutions and talks of blessings. I feel that, I so feel that. This year has been surreal in both good ways and bad. 

My resolutions this year for myself are to embrace the new mental toughness I was forced to adapt in 2019, and to do something kind for someone else, friend or stranger, once a month for all of 2020.

It’s truly difficult to smile and put on a happy face when you’re going through cancer treatment or dealing with the body discomfort from head to toe afterwards. I ended 2019 at the doctors office getting a CT scan because my doctor feared I was having appendix issues. Good news; not my appendix. Bad news; the lining of my stomach is inflamed and I need to go on medication for the next few months to fix it. It’s causing what the doctor called “referred pain”. Basically my chest, shoulders, and stomach ALL hurt because my digestive tract is irritated. My whole body hurts and I feel like crap. I’m going on 2 weeks of feeling horrible and just trying to get through it. Everything. Hurts. I still go to work. I still went grocery shopping and made all the food for our NYE party with the kids. I still carry Evelyn up and down the stairs when she asks me to. Everything hurts, but when you’ve decided to just muscle through it, that mental strength pushes you forward.

With all of the help and kindnesses bestowed upon me in 2019 I want to do what I can to repay the world. It’s not as much as I’d like, but it’s what I am able to do.

So cheers!

Cheers to another year in the books. Cheers to friends new and old. Cheers to family, those by blood and those we choose.

Cheers to remission; it came at a cost I’m still fighting to repay (both literally and figuratively). Cheers to all the babies that came in 2019 or are brewing right now.  Cheers to patient teachers, who without them my child and I would be lost. Cheers to the easy kids and the difficult.

Cheers to the fur babies, who despite my husbands annoyance make my house feel like a home. I want more, but will control myself. Cheers to the husband who’s at the end of his rope some days, but somehow keeps finding a way to hang on. He never sweats the small stuff, and I could truly benefit from taking a page out of his book.

Happy New Year. Let’s hope 2020 is bright, shiny, and when it’s not let’s hope we all get through it in one piece. The best is yet to come. ;-)

https://youtu.be/mQIZ-Esbg_c