Side Effects

Let’s talk about side effects, shall we?  More specifically radiation therapy side effects, since I covered most of my chemotherapy side effects in previous blogs.

https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/how-cancer-treated/radiation-therapy/side-effects-radiation-therapy

If you check out the cancer.net site regarding radiation, it gives a colorful list of possible side effects, both short term and long term, of treatment.  Some of the short term effects of obvious; skin irritation (dryness, itching, blisters, peeling, soreness – all of which I have) and fatigue.  Fatigue was one side effect that didn’t hit me as hard with radiation as it did with chemo, thankfully.  I am still struggling this week to get out of bed, but part of that is I am having trouble sleeping because of the discomfort under my arm from my burns.  Otherwise, the fatigue hasn’t been too bad.

As far as long term side effects, it’s still a little early to tell.  The list from cancer.net is as follows, along with some side notes from yours truly.

Radiation therapy aimed at the chest may cause these side effects:

Difficulty swallowing – no difficulty swallowing, but I have had a sore throat for 2 weeks, which the doc said is from the radiation hitting the lymph node in my neck.

Shortness of breath – nah, none of this.

Breast or nipple soreness – no boobs, so no problem!

Shoulder stiffness – yes, yes, yes! Dear God, both of my shoulders are a mess! I am also having some sharp chest pains on the cancer side, which just started this week.  Since I do not have any more treatments, I have to make a call to the radiation oncologist to see if he has any thoughts on this.  If I had to guess, it’s muscle pain from my shoulders and neck being so goddamn tight.

Cough, fever, and fullness of the chest, known as radiation pneumonitis. This happens between 2 weeks and 6 months after radiation therapy. – I’ve had an on and off-dry cough, but the doctor doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about. We are keeping an eye on it.

Radiation fibrosis, which causes permanent lung scars from untreated radiation pneumonitis. The radiation oncologist knows how to lower the risk of fibrosis. – see above.

One thing they don’t mention is the cording and the lymphedema.  I already had cording from surgery, since my surgery including taking out lymph nodes.  The cord I had after surgery was wicked, and my therapist had worked it out quite a bit before radiation even started, but warned me it could get back again once I began treatment.  Today at PT, she took a look and it wasn’t horrible, but she couldn’t thoroughly check as much as she wanted to because my chest and armpit and basically ground meat. So, she didn’t want to mess with the area and risk breaking open my skin or popping my blisters.  

As for lymphedema, I was hoping to avoid it given that my lymph nodes tested negative during surgery, and I didn’t have to have any additional taken out.  I noticed a week ago my arm and fingers on the left side were swollen, but I’ll be honest, I was in denial.  Oh, can’t get my wedding ring off… meh, I must just be too hot… it’s the weather.  Of course, when it cooled off I still couldn’t get my ring off… whoops.  I so badly didn’t want lymphedema.  Today at PT, the therapist confirmed she thinks I am starting to get it.  She gave me some short term compression sleeves for my arms to wear for the next few days to see if it helps, as well as athletic tape on my hand since my hand seems to be the worst of it.  She massaged the area today and it made the swelling go down significantly just in that short time.  I am hopeful I won’t have to wear a compression sleeve for the rest of my life.

All in all, my first week without radiation hasn’t been life-altering in any way.  Physical therapy sucked, but only because my skin is so painful and damaged right now.  Once I am a little more healed PT will work wonders on the cording and lymphedema, and it’ll get my arm range of motion where it needs to be. 

Pieces of the People I love

There are pieces of people I care about that I carry with me; a phrase or word, a song, an item, or a scent that takes me back to a memory.  They are unique to me, and it's entirely possible the memories and triggers aren't even recalled by these individuals that I think of when they occur.


I have a book, 'Twas the night before Christmas. It is one of those record-able hallmark books that my grandfather recorded and gave to my son Desmond for his first birthday. My grandfather is gone, and the story now means so much more to me. It's no longer just a clever poem about Santa Claus. Now it's the book Grampy recorded for Desmond, and his voice is all I hear regardless of who's reciting it.  That book, dandelions turned to puffy balls of seeds, willow trees, as well as the smell of coffee and taco omelets will always bring me back to him.  Ironically any time I eat cherry pie or green beans, both of which he hates, I also think of him.

The smell of a hospital first thing in the morning;

that sanitized, stale scent always takes me back to when I was 19 years old working in the cafeteria.  Odd as this may seem, the scent reminds me of my mother because she and I worked at the hospital together.  The smell of blueberry muffins also reminds me of her, and the smell of freshly cut grass.  Why freshly cut grass?  It reminds me of the summers of my childhood, which inevitably take me to some memory with my mom. A few other things that make me think of her as well are penguins and bells.  I can't go to the zoo, or see any penguin items in stores or on memes without thinking of her. During my childhood she collected various bells.  I remember playing with them as a child, listening to each of their unique jingles. These days, however, when I see a beautiful or different bell in a store I have to fight the urge to buy it for her since she doesn't collect them anymore.

Who doesn't love a good Qdoba or Chipotle burrito.  Chipotle is my favorite, and I can't eat it without my cousin Kathleen popping into my mind.  We have a shared love for it.  Anytime I hear a new dirty joke, and whenever I try a new restaurant regardless of what kind, she is on my mind. Michael Bolton, the smell of a camp fire, and the song "You are so beautiful" take me back to some memory with her.  The list goes on, but if I start going I wouldn't be able to stop. We have countless years of memories that we share, and it's easy for a million little things to bring me back to one that she is in.  Literally, she crosses my mind every day for one reason or another.  (It probably helps that we talk via text almost every day, too.)

I've got a raggedy old zip up hoodie with the words "The Walk" printed in red along with silhouettes of 3 figures; the Hanson brothers. It's the most worn out article of clothing I own, but I'll never get rid of it. Every time I look at it my mind goes to my best friend Desiree.  This item along with countless songs and artists (not just Hanson) bring me back to some memory with her. Music is this thread, one of the many threads, that binds her to me in my mind.  I can't look at a pair of roller blades without remembering two awkward teenage girls meeting up on them at various places the summer before sophomore year of high school. And Grey's Anatomy, yes the show, will always belong to us.  I don't hear Ellen Pompeo's voice without my brain instantly thinking of Desiree.

Montana, not the state, but the the word.  Any time I hear this word it takes me back to a dog; a redish brown mutt with the sweetest temperament.  He belonged to another of my best friends; Melissa.  I also get a vivid scene of a young woman sitting criss-cross on a hard wood floor singing "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree".  This song, along with most country hits between the years of 2003-2008 by Phil Vassar, Sara Evans, and Tim McGraw reel me back to some memory with Melissa.  Don't even get me started on flaming hot cheetos and Roxette.

The song "Twinkle Twinkle little star" will forever remind me of Desmond singing in the shower. The song "Uptown Funk" will forever remind me of Shamus. To this day he randomly bursts out in that song.  Elmo and Elsa from Frozen remind me of Evelyn right now, but I am sure those things with evolve as she grows.



These are just the big ones.  There are dozens of things that remind me of dozens of other people.  Memory is a funny thing.  Obviously these same sensory cues can trigger negative memories, too.  I have enough of them, that you'd think it would be as common as the positive ones. They are a rare occurrence, though. Maybe it's how happy I am and how positive my attitude is?  Thinking happy thoughts, being content with your life, and your brain naturally leans toward the happy memories?  Makes sense to me!