It's been a while

It has been a month since my last blog post. I've started 3 within that time, but never posted them.  Mostly I stopped myself from posting what I'd written because they were all either dark or scattered. That isn't what I want people to have to read, and I don't want to look back on it and relive it. I kept it to myself until the bad mood passed, and now it has subsided some.
A few things have happened in the last month; I did meet with that new psychologist. I don't know about her... I felt like she wasn't asking the right questions. Or maybe she wasn't listening. Or maybe I wasn't explaining things well enough.  I haven't gone back. Maybe I should. She requested a follow up appointment, but I have not taken her up on it. Perhaps I just need to find someone else I am more comfortable with.

I tried dry needling (similar to acupuncture) in pelvic floor PT two weeks ago. It helped, but the area is still a work in progress. I have another dry needling/PT appointment this Thursday. It's weird, but if it helps, I'm game. It helped last time, so I am hoping this next time is that last time I'll need to go. Here's some info on it: https://www.webmd.com/pain-management/video/video-dry-needling-therapy  It's was freaky, I won't lie. My legs and muscles twitched when she moved the needle around, and it was sore for a few days. The good part is, though, it really loosened those muscles afterward.  Of course, I ruined it by working out too hard last week.

I flew through my one year anniversary of being diagnosed in the blink of an eye. I kept myself busy those two days with doctor appointments and kids. I wrote a blog the day of; 11/1/19, but decided not to post it. I was feeling... a lot that day. Happy, sad, frustrated, scared. The blog was all over the place. I didn't have a focus, but I made it through Halloween and November 1st without too much trouble. That's what is important. The kids had a nice Halloween, I stay mentally distracted every chance I got, and then it was over.

Work is going well. There are days I feel frustrated, but I think that's normal. There is growth, both personal and professional, in frustration. I try very hard to make sure I balance my work stress against my need for wellness. I prioritize my health more so now than I ever have in my life, and sometimes that means paying attention to work vs wellness. I try not to sweat the small stuff at work, and focus on the bigger picture in my life. Most days I'm successful, but some days the work still gets to me. Again, I have been trying to use the frustration constructively instead of allowing it to bring me down. I've got a good support system in my co-workers on those off days, and I think that really helps.

I started a book club a few months ago (Eat, Drink, Read), and it's going really well. I have wanted to start one for a while now, but was always too nervous to put feelers out there in case no one else was interested. I decided to stop worrying about it, and as it turns out the group is quite big! Not to mention, our book choices have been awesome. It's something I look forward to every month now. It's so much fun.

On another note, I've been moody at home and the result is me feeling like Tyler has been more careless.  Am I taking what he's saying and doing too personally, or is he really being an ass? I find myself asking this question almost daily. It's hard to tell when you're in the middle of it. I am always worried he's tired of taking care of me. Not that he has to take care of me like he did, but in general, I wonder if he's just... tired. You know? Doesn't want to be nice, doesn't want to deal with me complaining about one thing or another, etc. We've really been at each other lately. Hopefully it passes. Marriage is weird. I don't need any advice here; I do talk to him about all of this and how I'm feeling. I try to keep an open dialog and he does, too. We do well not pointing fingers or screaming at each other. It helps that he's all logic. All problems, emotional or not, have a logical solution to him. This keeps me from losing my head and flying off the handle when he says something that makes me want to hit him. Again, I think most of the issue is me and how extra sensitive I have been. He hasn't changed, He's still good ole Tyler who says whatever pops into his mind at the time... I just allow the carelessness to upset me more than it used to.

I also have been worried about posting blogs in general. This is my own internal struggle. I started writing because it was an outlet for me emotionally. If someone wants to read it, fine, and if they don't that's OK too.  Lately though, I've been worried that people will just roll their eyes when they see I've posted another blog. Dumb - I know, especially because the blog is more for me than anyone else.

In a more positive light, it's the holiday season. As much as I dislike the cold and snow, I absolutely love this time of year. I am hosting my first Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. This will be my first turkey. I am totally stoked. We always put the Christmas tree up the Friday after Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorite things to do with the kids every year. I am also almost done Christmas shopping (which for anyone who knows me well, this is no surprise.) I've got so many fun and amazing things planned for the last 7 weeks of 2019 in addition to Thanksgiving at our house that it's hard not to be happy and excited. I have two ornament exchanges, hopefully two book club meetings (but with Christmas in the mix we'll have to see), Desmond's 11th birthday, and the obvious family celebrations for Christmas. Last Christmas I was a mess. I am so thrilled that this Christmas I'll feel alive again! P.S. my hair is getting a little mullet-y. So, if anyone has any cute haircut ideas, send them my way. I'd like to get a trim before Thanksgiving!!!