So, a fun new thing began these last two weeks... the weepies.
Masterchef episodes that contestants cry: crying.
Evelyn is sick: crying.
Evelyn does something cute: crying.
Something good, bad, or stressful happens: crying.
The sun is shining: crying.
The boys say something sweet: crying.
I’m catching a cold: crying.
The list goes on and on...
This total hysterectomy is a doozy. When I think of mood swings I think of boughts of anger or frustration. As it turns out, my mood swings involve tears... and lots of them. I can hold it together for the most part, but the tears come more easily than I’ve ever experienced before. This isn’t at all what I was expecting. Why am I not punching walls? Nope... no wall punching, just randomly bursting into tears. SUPER.
Cancer itself is an emotional journey, and it had already disjointed some of my control months before my lack of ovaries caused my current imbalance. However, with all of the recent good news you’d think the last thing I’d be experiencing is tears! It’s interesting, though. Happy things are almost the worst. The happier I am, the easier the cascade. My happiness overflows without warning, although at this point it shouldn’t be a surprise anymore.
I did a thing this week, a big thing for me; I burned the goodbye letters I’d previously began writing. It was only four letters (I had intentions to write about 10 more), but they’re gone. I cried (surprise) as I watched them go up in flames. It was a relief, letting them go. I had stopped writing goodbye letters and started writing thank you notes while I was still undergoing chemotherapy. It helped me stay positive, and also gave me some way to show everyone who’s been supportive that I appreciate them and all they do. I am lucky to have all of the amazing people in my life that I do. I held onto those goodbye letters, even after the thank you notes went out, until now. It was as if I’d been holding my breath this entire time, and now I can breathe again.
Radiation began Friday 6/7/19, and it went fine. From what I’ve heard it progressively gets harder the more treatments you’ve had. I’m hopeful I’ll maintain the same energetic, goofy attitude I had during chemo. Exhaustion seems to be the #1 complaint from those I’ve spoke to, and when I’m tired... you may have already guessed, but I cry. I’ve got a hunch the tears aren’t going anywhere for a while, but let’s hope they’re the happy kind and nothing else. Also, I would really like to not go back to getting the raging hot flashes I was getting during chemical menopause from chemo. Give me the tears, keep the hot flashes. Yuck!
