October 2020 post 7

My husband got in a car accident today. It was his first accident ever as a driver. He was a passenger as teenager for an accident, but otherwise he has no experience with car accidents. He was embarrassed and he was shook up but he’s OK. 
The car is pretty beat up, a lot of front end damage. We’ll know more this weekend about whether or not it can be repaired and how much that’ll be. Luckily no one was at fault so all we have to pay as our insurance deductible, and we have accident forgiveness so our insurance premium isn’t going up anytime soon either.

I posted that he got in a car accident on my Facebook social media page. Within 15 minutes he asked me to take it down because he was embarrassed. He doesn’t have social media accounts. He got a text from a friend asking if he was OK. I don’t think my husband understands how much I need to discuss things when they happen. Part of how I get through my anxiety is I communicate through it. When he called me and told me he got in a bad accident, within a few seconds I felt like I was going to throw up and began to physically shake. I knew I wasn’t actually sick and it was just my nerves and anxiety getting the better of me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had that physical response.

I’m a talker. It helps me sort through my feelings when I say things out loud or write them down and I’m able to get feedback from other people on it. My husband is not a talker, so sometimes I turn to my friends, my social media page, etc. In this particular instance I feel like I can’t really post it on Facebook, so I’m blogging about it because not a lot of people read my blogs anyway. 

I guess right now I just feel like I need to get it out. I texted some close friends, coworkers, and he told his mom about it. It helps to be able to talk to those friends. I am a slave to social media, though. To be honest, some days I just want to delete my Facebook. I like having it because I like to see what everybody’s up to, I like to see pictures my friends post, and I really like the fact that I can communicate with people who are far away, especially during this strange time. But days like today where I posted something that I wanted to talk about and I wasn’t able to because it affects him too, it made me wish I didn’t rely so heavily on Facebook for social interactions. It also makes me wish that how I navigate through my anxiety was something that didn’t bother my husband. It’s a weird position for us both to be in. He hates any and all attention, and for me it isn’t the attention but the need to discuss everything. He doesn’t even want to discuss. He wants to fix, do, and forget about it. All in silence. Ha, so the opposite of me.

He’s ok. That’s the key point here. The rest will sort itself out.

October 2020 - Post 6

Can we talk about Kelly Preston for a minute?

I don’t have all the details on her diagnosis, but I do know after a 2 year battle with breast cancer she died at age 57. This just happened in July, 2020. I hated reading about it, hated reading the heartfelt posts her daughter and husband posted on social media, and hated that her youngest child was only 9 when she passed away. I hated that a celebrity with infinite resources, infinite options, couldn’t beat her bc diagnosis. Every part of me hurt reading that she died, and even writing this is difficult for me. https://people.com/movies/kelly-preston-dies-of-breast-cancer-at-57/

I’m so much less anxious than I was 3 months ago, even though it’s the anniversary month of my diagnosis. Therapy has helped, a lot. My checkup is coming up on 10/27, too. That’s both nerve wracking but also reassuring. I feel good, and I hope nothing pops up that changes that.

That being said, it’s a somber reminder to me when I hear or read that someone with young children, like myself, has lost their battle with cancer. It’s especially difficult for me if it’s breast cancer. I wish I didn’t think about it all of the time. I wish I was reminded of it every day. I wish it hadn’t been such hell to go through. I wish a lot of things, but it doesn’t change anything. We just have to carry on.

Until next time...!

October 2020 post 5 - Ode de Tyler

Post 5 is all about the other conductor on this train; Tyler.

When I was going through a divorce he was my friend and helped support me when I needed it. He lifted me up and made me feel strong when I felt weak.

When he was my boyfriend he held on even when I tried to run away. He wouldn’t let my fear ruin our relationship. He was strong for us both.

When I was going through treatment he took care of himself, the kids, and me. He carried a heavy weight around for a year, and still slapped a smile on his face every day to make me feel better. He was strong for our whole family.

Now... we argue, we whine, we bicker, but we also love. He appreciates when I say sorry, and apologizes when he’s wrong. He hugs me randomly. He cuddles me when I need it, sometimes when I didn’t even realize I needed it. He’s an amazing dad and reminds me every day of what’s important. He keeps me laughing. He cheers me up when I’m sad. My happiness makes him happy, and his happiness make me happy.

So... I appreciate him, and I hope he knows just how much.

October 2020 post 4

Fear. How does my fear of the coronavirus differ from my fear of the reoccurrence of breast cancer? In some ways they feel very similar, and neither are very far from my mind at any given time. 

One way that they’re similar is that my fear of the coronavirus is more for my children, just like if your reoccurrence is centered around my children. Every parent is only ever trying to protect her child in every way they can. When my children write reports at school or talk to their friends and teachers at school somehow, someway, cancer always comes up. Last week alone I heard Desmond use me as an example in one of his classes, and then a separate incident Shamus was telling his friends about how he goes to a special camp for people whose parents have or have had cancer. Also, I’d like to not die.

Now with the coronavirus, it weighs heavily on my mind because my children can catch it. It’s not like cancer where I’m concerned about how they’re mentally handling my battle; this is something that can actually infect them. So many unknowns about what the long-term effects of the coronavirus do to our bodies concerns me when it comes to my children. I also worry about Desmond because he’s got asthma. It’s possible when this all began we had it unknowingly, but that doesn’t make me want to catch it again or risk my children getting sick. God forbid any of us get a bad case, but if we do, I’d lay my life down for any of these kids and Tyler.

Shamus started school this week and it’s a little bit stressful, but I know it’ll be good for his mental health. We will also be good for my mental health. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m still nervous about it. Every day I ask myself if I’m making the right choices for my children. The coronavirus is just another way I’m second-guessing every decision I make in regards to them. Did I buy the right masks? Should I not let Shamus go back to school? Should I not let my daughter have a sleepover at her grandma’s? Should we not see your family members, even though it’s rare? We’re trying to be safe, but at what point do you have to live and not let fear rule over your life? It’s the same with the coronavirus as it is with worrying about breast cancer reoccurrence; you can’t live your life in fear. I’m not going barhopping, we don’t eat out very often, we are wearing masks and social distancing, but we are also living.

Anyway, I am afraid 100% of the time. I am afraid for myself, I’m afraid for my husband, and most importantly I’m afraid for my children. We cannot let our lives be ruled over our fear. I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, and I’m not saying jump out of a plane without a parachute, but it is really important to be with people you care about and love. If everyone is safe, or safe to the best of their abilities, then I say be with the people you love, and do the things you love.