Xanax

I went to a concert at Summerfest with my best friend Desiree last night.  I was nervous the whole day about going, just a mess; stomach ache, leg bouncing, rocking more aggressively than usual... the whole shebang.  I've never been a fan of crowds, but it's been years since I've needed help with the anxiety it causes.


I took Alprazolam along with anti-depressants when I was going through my divorce back in 2012-2013 because I suffered from panic attacks and having a hard time coping with it.  I haven't needed a new prescription for them, though, since 2015... or I hadn't... until I was diagnosed with cancer, that is.

With Tyler's help I'd gotten control of my anxiety to the point where I didn't need to take anything anymore.  I was able to go places again like concerts and movie theaters without having a panic attack. Unfortunately this thing I thought I had contained reared it's ugly head as soon as that biopsy came back positive.  It started as sleepless nights... I used a meditation app suggested by a friend some nights, but it didn't always work.  It helped when I first went to bed, but was useless when I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night.

The middle of the night was so isolating.  I had so many panic attacks alone at night for the first few months.  Those were the nights; the nights where my mind and body were out of my control from the anxiety, where the Xanax came in handy.

So, last night I went to Summerfest with my best friend Desiree.  I made a comment to her about stopping at home to take a Xanax, and the realization that I don't talk about how much my diagnosis hurt my mental health hit me like a freight train.  Her response was, "Are you OK?"  My first reaction was to think to myself what the heck is she talking about?  Then it occurred to me... she didn't realize I was still having anxiety issues.  I mean sure, I talk about how sometimes I had, or have, a hard time with things, but apparently I don't talk about how extreme it can be often.

I am a confident person, and I come off as confident and honest in these blogs, but even a confident person can struggle with anxiety and panic attacks.

I am in remission.  I beat cancer.  Treatment is ALMOST over (today marks halfway through radiation!)  Yet, here I am, still struggling with the anxiety that came barreling back 8 months ago.  I am hopeful I can get back to a point where I have it under control without the help of anti-anxiety medication again, but for now... sometimes I still need a little help.

That being said, I had an awesome time at the concert.  Mmmbop, bitches.