If I am going to the hospital regularly, and something is wrong, someone is there to catch it. Some doctor or nurse always has their eye on me while I'm going through treatment. When radiation is done, I'll be on my own. No doctor to keep an eye on me. Nobody reassuring me everything is okay. What if it comes back? Every head ache, every stomach ache, every sore muscle, back pain, or weird tingle in my body and the first thing I think even now is "it's back". Who can, with complete confidence, tell me it isn't back... or confirm if it is? What if I miss something?
I've got two more rounds of radiation this week, my last five rounds next week, and then I'm done with active treatment. I have an appointment with my surgeon on August 23rd, and then with my oncologist on September 23rd. After going to the hospital a few times a week, or every day in the case of radiation, going a month without seeing someone is a strangely frightening idea to me. So frightening, in fact, that on my way to my car this morning after treatment the thought occurred to me that I only have 7 more rounds of radiation to go, and I was pilled with instant panic. I thought maybe I'd have an anxiety attack right there in the parking structure outside of my vehicle, but I didn't. I got into my car, turned on the radio, and busied my mind by singing the songs that played while I drove to work. Small victories.
Last night I had trouble sleeping because my arm pit is sore from radiation and I had some bad dreams. The skin is starting to peel under my arm, and there's a constant stinging feeling. The skin across my chest is also sensitive to the touch but not nearly as sore. Advil and Tylenol haven't helped, and although I have a prescription for percocet, I hate how it makes me feel and don't want to take it, not even before bed, if I don't have to.
My dreams were non-descriptive, and the most I can remember was Evelyn trapped in a concrete walled room crying "mama". When I woke up, it turns out she wasn't crying mama. The dog was whining to go outside, and it was 2:00 AM. I think I fell back to sleep after a little while, but it's hard to remember. What I do remember is tossing and turning because so many positions hurt. I eventually took of the t-shirt I had on because it was rubbing against my armpit. The quality of my sleep was much better after that, because the next thing I knew my alarm went off.
I chugged a bottle of water when I woke up this morning, and now I am on my second bottle after two cups of coffee. My head is fuzzy and throbbing, my stomach is sour, and my shoulders feel like they're so tight they're going to break me in half if someone touches me. It's probably a mixture of sleep deprivation, anxiety, and the position at which I lay every day for radiation (arms up, un-moving for 15 minutes.) Whatever the causes, I feel like shit today. What I want is a cold shower and a long nap. What I have is a computer screen filled with orders and emails, and an ear filled with customer phone calls. I thought briefly of calling in on my way from the hospital to work, but figured the worst of it would probably pass when my head snapped out of the mini panic attack. I've been here for almost three hours now and so far I still feel lousy. I am still holding out hope that I'll feel better soon.
I am currently on lunch, picking at a Chipotle burrito bowl, hoping food perks me up.
Here's hoping...
