October 2020 post 4

Fear. How does my fear of the coronavirus differ from my fear of the reoccurrence of breast cancer? In some ways they feel very similar, and neither are very far from my mind at any given time. 

One way that they’re similar is that my fear of the coronavirus is more for my children, just like if your reoccurrence is centered around my children. Every parent is only ever trying to protect her child in every way they can. When my children write reports at school or talk to their friends and teachers at school somehow, someway, cancer always comes up. Last week alone I heard Desmond use me as an example in one of his classes, and then a separate incident Shamus was telling his friends about how he goes to a special camp for people whose parents have or have had cancer. Also, I’d like to not die.

Now with the coronavirus, it weighs heavily on my mind because my children can catch it. It’s not like cancer where I’m concerned about how they’re mentally handling my battle; this is something that can actually infect them. So many unknowns about what the long-term effects of the coronavirus do to our bodies concerns me when it comes to my children. I also worry about Desmond because he’s got asthma. It’s possible when this all began we had it unknowingly, but that doesn’t make me want to catch it again or risk my children getting sick. God forbid any of us get a bad case, but if we do, I’d lay my life down for any of these kids and Tyler.

Shamus started school this week and it’s a little bit stressful, but I know it’ll be good for his mental health. We will also be good for my mental health. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m still nervous about it. Every day I ask myself if I’m making the right choices for my children. The coronavirus is just another way I’m second-guessing every decision I make in regards to them. Did I buy the right masks? Should I not let Shamus go back to school? Should I not let my daughter have a sleepover at her grandma’s? Should we not see your family members, even though it’s rare? We’re trying to be safe, but at what point do you have to live and not let fear rule over your life? It’s the same with the coronavirus as it is with worrying about breast cancer reoccurrence; you can’t live your life in fear. I’m not going barhopping, we don’t eat out very often, we are wearing masks and social distancing, but we are also living.

Anyway, I am afraid 100% of the time. I am afraid for myself, I’m afraid for my husband, and most importantly I’m afraid for my children. We cannot let our lives be ruled over our fear. I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, and I’m not saying jump out of a plane without a parachute, but it is really important to be with people you care about and love. If everyone is safe, or safe to the best of their abilities, then I say be with the people you love, and do the things you love.