New Year, Same Me

Happy new year! The last week has filled my social media feeds with resolutions and talks of blessings. I feel that, I so feel that. This year has been surreal in both good ways and bad. 

My resolutions this year for myself are to embrace the new mental toughness I was forced to adapt in 2019, and to do something kind for someone else, friend or stranger, once a month for all of 2020.

It’s truly difficult to smile and put on a happy face when you’re going through cancer treatment or dealing with the body discomfort from head to toe afterwards. I ended 2019 at the doctors office getting a CT scan because my doctor feared I was having appendix issues. Good news; not my appendix. Bad news; the lining of my stomach is inflamed and I need to go on medication for the next few months to fix it. It’s causing what the doctor called “referred pain”. Basically my chest, shoulders, and stomach ALL hurt because my digestive tract is irritated. My whole body hurts and I feel like crap. I’m going on 2 weeks of feeling horrible and just trying to get through it. Everything. Hurts. I still go to work. I still went grocery shopping and made all the food for our NYE party with the kids. I still carry Evelyn up and down the stairs when she asks me to. Everything hurts, but when you’ve decided to just muscle through it, that mental strength pushes you forward.

With all of the help and kindnesses bestowed upon me in 2019 I want to do what I can to repay the world. It’s not as much as I’d like, but it’s what I am able to do.

So cheers!

Cheers to another year in the books. Cheers to friends new and old. Cheers to family, those by blood and those we choose.

Cheers to remission; it came at a cost I’m still fighting to repay (both literally and figuratively). Cheers to all the babies that came in 2019 or are brewing right now.  Cheers to patient teachers, who without them my child and I would be lost. Cheers to the easy kids and the difficult.

Cheers to the fur babies, who despite my husbands annoyance make my house feel like a home. I want more, but will control myself. Cheers to the husband who’s at the end of his rope some days, but somehow keeps finding a way to hang on. He never sweats the small stuff, and I could truly benefit from taking a page out of his book.

Happy New Year. Let’s hope 2020 is bright, shiny, and when it’s not let’s hope we all get through it in one piece. The best is yet to come. ;-)

https://youtu.be/mQIZ-Esbg_c

Goodbye 2019

There are 13 calendar days left in 2019. This year was the most challenging yet of all my 34 years on this earth. Being diagnosed in 2018 was hard, but most of my treatment came in 2019.

I cannot begin to express the love and gratitude I have for the people in my life who've supported me. Anyone who donated to the Go-fund me; Thank you so much. Anyone who did other things like buying us diapers, feeding us, driving me around, visiting me, sending cards, calling, emailing, texting, helping with the kids, extending offers to help in any way shape or form, cheering me up through jokes, being there when I need to vent; I see you. Your efforts did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. You all helped me get through this, and I mean it when I say the love and gratitude I feel can't be measured.

Cancer wasn't the only thing I battled through this year. I also battled as a mother, especially in regards to the boys. More recently the battle is a heart breaking one, and I am still trying to navigate my way through helping my middle child with his challenges. I've watched all three kids grow,  evolve, and change over the last year. It was a year I wasn't sure I'd get, but I am so thankful I have. I hope to have many more. Only time will tell. Every birthday for Tyler, one of the kids, or myself, I now view as a gift.

I am still more anxious than hopeful most days. I still sometimes find myself focusing on the bad over the good. I still find myself worrying without any reason to. I am working on it and hoping I find a good balance in 2020. Watching 2019 fade away is bitter sweet. I've experience so much good with the bad. 

We are all dealing with our own struggles; I don't assume because cancer is the center of my universe that it's also the center of everyone else's. I had a friend who was diagnosed with MS this year. I had a friend who's cancer came back. I had a family member and a close friend who both battled with depression and mental illness this year. My husband's family experienced illness, both physical and mental in 2019. My cousin's house was threatened by wild fires. One friend's sister lost custody of one of her children. Another friend lost her grandmother, and her ex-husbands grandmother all within a few months of each other. I have a friend who over the last 2 years he has undergone 3 different surgeries for 3 different things, and during that time had his mother pass away. My mom is battling with her own health issues. I have friends and family who've had to put down family pets this year. 

All of it is real. All of it is heartbreaking. Even though it's difficult and it beats us down, everyone, myself included, still perseveres.

Goodbye 2019. You taught me a lot of things, but mostly how to carry on.

"Sometimes carrying on, just carrying on, is the superhuman achievement."-Albert Camus