Autumn 2020

Summer is coming to an end, virtual school is in full swing, and I keep wishing I’d win the lottery (if I only played the lottery...) I’ve been indulging in pumpkin spice lattes for a few weeks now; homemade and Starbucks. Tyler and I have been discussing the holidays, I’ve been organizing the few Christmas gifts I’ve already purchased, and made lists of what I’d still like to get. I’m working with my therapist on anger management and self forgiveness, and it’s still going well. I still tend to be a little hard on myself when I experience “cancer paranoia” and any kind of anxiety but I’m working to get over that. 

I can’t say what triggered this, but recently I’ve been really missing my grandpa. I’ve been talking about him a lot, reminiscing about my favorite moments, and even recently got into a conversation with my nail tech during my last pedicure about Grampy which resulted in both of us in tears. Good tears, but tears non-the-less. The 6 year anniversary of his passing is this November, so as it draws near thoughts of him will only increase. I miss him. I miss him so much. One of the first thoughts I had when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2018 was I wish my Grampy were here. He was always such a big support system for me, and although in the last year or so of his life he wasn’t the man I’d known, the real him always shines through. I wish Evelyn could know him. I wish Shamus had known him like Desmond had.

My 4 year wedding anniversary is 10/1, and the 2 year mark of my diagnosis is coming up on 10/31, too. October is a bizarre month for me. I think about my diagnosis a lot, but not as much as I did. It’s still every day, but not all of the time every day. That’s an improvement. Today for instance; I thought about it in the shower this morning, then again when I started talking about my grandpa in the above paragraph. When Tyler and I were first married I worried he’d have to take care of me when we get old, specifically with the fear of Alzheimer’s. Now I worry he won’t have to... it’s a strange feeling. The fear of dying makes me feel self centered and selfish, which is another thing I’m working through; not only trying not to worry about what I can’t control but also that self forgiveness I talked about earlier.

RBG died last week, and that really sucked. Honestly I felt like she was a super hero, a true life super hero, and that made her immortal in my mind. In a way I guess she is immortal, I really hope all future generations of women and girls know her full worth and appreciate it.

Anyway, happy fall. Fingers crossed the Covid numbers start falling instead of rising.