Priorities

I am many things; wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, cancer survivor, employee. It's funny how the way I align myself with these many things has changed over the years.

In my twenties, as a young mother, I always strove to be a good parent, but I was also going to college and working full time trying to make myself an asset to the company I worked for. I worked two or more jobs at any given time; some self-employment, others not. I wanted to feel professionally accomplished.  I still do, but it doesn't hold the same weight as it once did.

I haven't worked a second job for many years now, but recently I decided to do it again. This time, though, it's different. This time the job isn't for extra money or to achieve something significant professionally. This time I got a job where I felt like I could do some good. After my LiveStrong class was complete, I got a job at the YMCA. During one of our last LiveStrong classes I was talking with one of the instructors, telling her that I've been working in the industrial field, but that I would really like to do something to help people. So many people helped me when I was going through cancer, and it meant more to me than I could possibly express. I want to pay it forward. The instructor recommended I apply at the Y. The Y is involved in so many wonderful things within the community that any position there could provide a positive impact. I looked into it, found a position I knew I could do (the business office), applied, and got the job.

I am still working full time as a CSR in the industrial field. That hasn't changed. Now, however, I am also working at the YMCA with renewed passion. My passion in the industrial field was always based around the thrill of the sale and my confidence in my chemical compatibility knowledge. It's my strong suit. It just isn't giving me the satisfaction it once did. My priorities shifted when I was battling breast cancer. So many people had influence in keeping my spirits up or helping me get through rough patches. I want to be that for someone. I want to help someone else who is having a hard time. There are so many forms of "help", and the Y is a way I can do that. It's only a few hours a week, but I am there helping people be healthy, signing people up for memberships, and giving back by donating to the Y for their various free programs they offer for people like me...

The biggest problem with trying to give myself over, even for just a few hours, is I miss out on time with my family. Yes, doing good and helping other is something I feel passionate about, but nothing in this world supersedes the importance of my family. Every part of my yearns to be near them when I'm not at home. Even going to the 9-5 job Monday-Friday leaves me missing my children, missing my husband, and wishing I could just be NEAR them all of the time. It's not just my children and husband either; I call my mom almost every single day now. I never did that prior to cancer. We would talk once a week, maybe text a few times, but now... now it's almost every day. My 17-1/2 minute drive home from work belongs to my mom. My brother and I were always close, and I try to stay in touch with him as often as mom, though it's not as easy. Many times prior to the last few weeks, he was on our phone calls. He works 3rd shift now, but we are still finding time to hang out and talk. 

My point is, the shift is significant. Working is a means to an end; it pays my mortgage but it doesn't give any extra meaning to my life. All that matters to me is being a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good friend. Everything else is only there because the world says it has to. I don't need to do anything else professional to be satisfied or feel accomplished. If my children are happy, if the people that I care about are happy, and if I can help even just one person while working at the Y or at my full time job, then I am satisfied in every way I possibly can be.

I could go on and on. I find myself thinking about my friends often. I think of all the ways they improve my life and all the added value they give to the world. I've got an incredible group of friends, most of whom I've known for 20 or so years. Some are from high school, some from jobs I've worked, and others through one of those high school or work folks. I am lucky to have them in my life, and feel like they deserve their own blog. One of these friends is doing this amazing thing where she posts on Facebook every Sunday honoring someone she respects and values. She calls them her "person of the week." It's this beautiful thing where she gets to build up people in her own way. I want to do that too, in a way. Maybe I'll blog about it... I just want the people I care about to know how much I care and value them. Some know, but others... maybe they don't know how much they mean to me. I want to make sure they do. 

My book club gives me closeness with many of my friends, and while it isn't all of my friends it's quite a few. It helps fill a social void I ignored for a long time. Not only do we get to hang out, but we also get to talk about good books. That in itself is something I won't ever give up again. Good books. Speaking of friends, I finally tried Jujitsu after years of my two best friends insisting I give it a try. My favorite part of that night; spending time with them.

Anyway - to summarize my priorities have shifted to PEOPLE. That's really what matters, isn't it?

Just a regular Wednesday

Hunched over the sink just trying to brush my teeth before work when a hot flash so intense I have to whip open the bathroom window to let the 19 degree morning air blow onto me. Sometimes it is while I’m doing my hair, sometimes it’s while I’m trying to put eye liner on, other times I’m just sitting there doing nothing.

I never imagined that this would be my normal morning when I imagined how I would be 3 weeks before turning 35. In the scheme of things that have happened the last 2 years surgical menopause and hot flashes aren’t a big deal... unless you’re in the middle of one at that exact moment. Then it’s a sweaty, uncomfortable, disgustingly big deal.

Nobody hug me for a minute. I need to dry off.

Tired of Complaining

Week two of the new year, and I feel like the only things I want to write about are complaints! Who wants to read that crap?

Update on the stomach: I am on Omeprazole, and while I want to believe this stomach issue is the only thing going on in my body, I know better. The front of my neck started to hurt, badly, three days after I started taking the medication. The pain hasn't gone away; we're going on 9 days of pain. I messaged my primary and she wrote me out a prescription for muscle relaxers and was thinking maybe my joints are swollen, assuming the neck is just another muscle ache. (she called it costochondritis - don't worry I had to look it up, too: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/costochondritis/symptoms-causes/syc-20371175). I referred back to one of my breast cancer support groups and found this was common for radiation patients, and others had also had these muscle pain issues. Something I did not mention in my New Years post is that I spent the morning of 12/23 in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. I wasn't, and they told me to take Advil and Tylenol and sent me on my way. This lead to me seeing my primary on the 30th. Between the Omeprazole and muscle relaxers, my shoulder and chest pains are gone, and my stomach discomfort has subsided. Something is definitely working the way it should.

The neck pain, however, is worse. In fact, now the front of my throat is a little swollen. This could be a trick of my body though. I also came down with a bad cold Wednesday. This isn't swollen lymph nodes in my neck though, this is the center of the front of my throat. It isn't a muscular pain, and it's swollen around my windpipe/esophagus. It hurts to touch it, and it hurts when I lean my head backward. It is getting increasingly difficult to sleep because of it. No fun.

Months ago I wrote a blog about how you really should not consult Google on medical questions. The same goes for now, but who really listens to their own advise? Of course, the first thing that comes to mind whenever I have a health concern is CANCER. Is it back? It this metastatic breast cancer that spread somewhere else? I know it's possible, but I also know that throat and thyroid cancers aren't likely to become a metastatic area for breast cancer to spread. That being said, both chemo and radiation can cause thyroid issues... so now I am worried about THAT! Oh goody.

I swear, I was not a hypochondriac before I got cancer. I worried like anyone else, but never really took those worries seriously until something serious happened. I read through some of the symptoms of thyroid issues after it popped up on that Google search that I mentioned I should not have done. I have gained some weight over the last few months. I figured it was inactivity, but then I joined the LiveStrong class and worked out regularly for 3 months... but only gained more weight. I have the neck pain thing going on. I've got the muscle soreness. I am always fatigued so how would I be able to tell if it's worse?  I could go on and on, but long story short, you can make ANYTHING sound like it fits when you're freaking out. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypothyroidism/symptoms-causes/syc-20350284

So now, I am counting calories, working out even more, and drinking a TON of extra water. I lost 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Almost as long as my throat pain has been going on. Weird. Again, I am going to try to stop freaking out. The pain never goes away though, so the thoughts are never far from my mind.

I mentioned I came down with a cold on Wednesday - oh what a doozy! Evelyn came down with the cold on Sunday, Tyler had it the next day, and Wednesday was my lucky day.  All of us had fevers, sinus issues, dry cough, and scratchy throats, (not to be confused with the throat pain I have in addition to this). I stayed in bed, literally, all day Wednesday, falling asleep on and off. Tyler toughed through it and didn't take any days off, but I can tell I am recovering from my cold already and he is still plagued by his.  He probably should've taken a day off. Evelyn also seems to be getting better, too. We've been careful to keep the boys at an arms length so they don't also get sick.

I've had other small things stressing me out that don't weigh on me as much as the health issues going on, but are always still there; a text squabble with the ex I didn't see coming, Shamus's behavior at school, work stress, money stress because who doesn't, marital stress, work stress, and the list goes on. Ok, obviously today is not one of those "looking on the bright side days" and that's OK. Once I get these aches and pains figured out, I'm sure my piece of mind will return...

But until then...

Whine... whine... complain... and so on.

New Year, Same Me

Happy new year! The last week has filled my social media feeds with resolutions and talks of blessings. I feel that, I so feel that. This year has been surreal in both good ways and bad. 

My resolutions this year for myself are to embrace the new mental toughness I was forced to adapt in 2019, and to do something kind for someone else, friend or stranger, once a month for all of 2020.

It’s truly difficult to smile and put on a happy face when you’re going through cancer treatment or dealing with the body discomfort from head to toe afterwards. I ended 2019 at the doctors office getting a CT scan because my doctor feared I was having appendix issues. Good news; not my appendix. Bad news; the lining of my stomach is inflamed and I need to go on medication for the next few months to fix it. It’s causing what the doctor called “referred pain”. Basically my chest, shoulders, and stomach ALL hurt because my digestive tract is irritated. My whole body hurts and I feel like crap. I’m going on 2 weeks of feeling horrible and just trying to get through it. Everything. Hurts. I still go to work. I still went grocery shopping and made all the food for our NYE party with the kids. I still carry Evelyn up and down the stairs when she asks me to. Everything hurts, but when you’ve decided to just muscle through it, that mental strength pushes you forward.

With all of the help and kindnesses bestowed upon me in 2019 I want to do what I can to repay the world. It’s not as much as I’d like, but it’s what I am able to do.

So cheers!

Cheers to another year in the books. Cheers to friends new and old. Cheers to family, those by blood and those we choose.

Cheers to remission; it came at a cost I’m still fighting to repay (both literally and figuratively). Cheers to all the babies that came in 2019 or are brewing right now.  Cheers to patient teachers, who without them my child and I would be lost. Cheers to the easy kids and the difficult.

Cheers to the fur babies, who despite my husbands annoyance make my house feel like a home. I want more, but will control myself. Cheers to the husband who’s at the end of his rope some days, but somehow keeps finding a way to hang on. He never sweats the small stuff, and I could truly benefit from taking a page out of his book.

Happy New Year. Let’s hope 2020 is bright, shiny, and when it’s not let’s hope we all get through it in one piece. The best is yet to come. ;-)

https://youtu.be/mQIZ-Esbg_c

Goodbye 2019

There are 13 calendar days left in 2019. This year was the most challenging yet of all my 34 years on this earth. Being diagnosed in 2018 was hard, but most of my treatment came in 2019.

I cannot begin to express the love and gratitude I have for the people in my life who've supported me. Anyone who donated to the Go-fund me; Thank you so much. Anyone who did other things like buying us diapers, feeding us, driving me around, visiting me, sending cards, calling, emailing, texting, helping with the kids, extending offers to help in any way shape or form, cheering me up through jokes, being there when I need to vent; I see you. Your efforts did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. You all helped me get through this, and I mean it when I say the love and gratitude I feel can't be measured.

Cancer wasn't the only thing I battled through this year. I also battled as a mother, especially in regards to the boys. More recently the battle is a heart breaking one, and I am still trying to navigate my way through helping my middle child with his challenges. I've watched all three kids grow,  evolve, and change over the last year. It was a year I wasn't sure I'd get, but I am so thankful I have. I hope to have many more. Only time will tell. Every birthday for Tyler, one of the kids, or myself, I now view as a gift.

I am still more anxious than hopeful most days. I still sometimes find myself focusing on the bad over the good. I still find myself worrying without any reason to. I am working on it and hoping I find a good balance in 2020. Watching 2019 fade away is bitter sweet. I've experience so much good with the bad. 

We are all dealing with our own struggles; I don't assume because cancer is the center of my universe that it's also the center of everyone else's. I had a friend who was diagnosed with MS this year. I had a friend who's cancer came back. I had a family member and a close friend who both battled with depression and mental illness this year. My husband's family experienced illness, both physical and mental in 2019. My cousin's house was threatened by wild fires. One friend's sister lost custody of one of her children. Another friend lost her grandmother, and her ex-husbands grandmother all within a few months of each other. I have a friend who over the last 2 years he has undergone 3 different surgeries for 3 different things, and during that time had his mother pass away. My mom is battling with her own health issues. I have friends and family who've had to put down family pets this year. 

All of it is real. All of it is heartbreaking. Even though it's difficult and it beats us down, everyone, myself included, still perseveres.

Goodbye 2019. You taught me a lot of things, but mostly how to carry on.

"Sometimes carrying on, just carrying on, is the superhuman achievement."-Albert Camus

Stitches

I was listening to the radio a few days ago, and the topic came up of how many times the DJs had gotten stitches.  They took listener calls for stories, and I listened to a variety of people describe the times in their lives that they'd been injured or had surgery that required a form of stitches.

It got me to thinking; how many times have I had stitches?

Seven.

I was eleven the first time I had stitches due to a surgery. The surgery was a result of an injury I sustained when I was six. I was at Konkel Park, a local park in Greenfield, WI near where I grew up. I was with my Grandma Betty (you read that right) watching her dentist's baseball team play. (Crazy the details you remember, right?)  I slipped on the metal bleacher I had been walking on, landing directly on my lady bits.  My mom picked me up from the park and took me to a nearby urgent care where a doctor decided I was too young to go through the trauma of freezing the area and getting stitches. Unfortunately, as I grew and the skin that had been damaged began to grow apart from the rest of the area, leaving me with an awkward flap of skin on my right side.  At eleven, it started to become as issue.  We all know adolescence is hard enough on kids, but this piece of skin was getting in the way of simple things like menstruation pads and tampons.  So, I had reconstructive surgery on the area and all was right with the world after that... or at least with my va-jay-jay.

The second time I received stitches I was 21.  My brother was over at my apartment with my boyfriend at the time.  I was doing dishes in the kitchen sink and a casserole dish slipped out of my hand while I was washing it.  While attempting to catch the dish, my hand dipped into the water with it and was still on the dish as it broke into a variety of jagged pieces.  Needless to say one of those pieces sliced open my middle finger on my left hand.  I held the wound closed with a kitchen towel, calmly walked into the living room to the men, and explained they should probably take me to urgent care.  At first they thought I was joking, but once I showed them the cut they loaded me into the car and I received seven stitches on my finger.

The third time was when Desmond was born. Without going into too many details, I can tell you that it was only seven stitches; the same amount as my middle finger two years prior. The fourth time was when Evelyn was born. That was one stitch, but one is enough.

The fifth time I had stitches was when they put my power port in.  That was only ten or so stitches.  The sixth was when I had my mastectomy which is too many stitches to count, and the seventh was when I had my hysterectomy.  The hysterectomy was through laparoscopy, so it was five tiny incisions with three or four stitches each.

The thing about stitches is, when it's a good thing like a baby being born they seem like no big deal. When they are a cut finger, or surgery because of cancer, they carry a different weight.

I am curious though, I'd love to hear from of my friends and get their stitches stories!!!

It's been a while

It has been a month since my last blog post. I've started 3 within that time, but never posted them.  Mostly I stopped myself from posting what I'd written because they were all either dark or scattered. That isn't what I want people to have to read, and I don't want to look back on it and relive it. I kept it to myself until the bad mood passed, and now it has subsided some.
A few things have happened in the last month; I did meet with that new psychologist. I don't know about her... I felt like she wasn't asking the right questions. Or maybe she wasn't listening. Or maybe I wasn't explaining things well enough.  I haven't gone back. Maybe I should. She requested a follow up appointment, but I have not taken her up on it. Perhaps I just need to find someone else I am more comfortable with.

I tried dry needling (similar to acupuncture) in pelvic floor PT two weeks ago. It helped, but the area is still a work in progress. I have another dry needling/PT appointment this Thursday. It's weird, but if it helps, I'm game. It helped last time, so I am hoping this next time is that last time I'll need to go. Here's some info on it: https://www.webmd.com/pain-management/video/video-dry-needling-therapy  It's was freaky, I won't lie. My legs and muscles twitched when she moved the needle around, and it was sore for a few days. The good part is, though, it really loosened those muscles afterward.  Of course, I ruined it by working out too hard last week.

I flew through my one year anniversary of being diagnosed in the blink of an eye. I kept myself busy those two days with doctor appointments and kids. I wrote a blog the day of; 11/1/19, but decided not to post it. I was feeling... a lot that day. Happy, sad, frustrated, scared. The blog was all over the place. I didn't have a focus, but I made it through Halloween and November 1st without too much trouble. That's what is important. The kids had a nice Halloween, I stay mentally distracted every chance I got, and then it was over.

Work is going well. There are days I feel frustrated, but I think that's normal. There is growth, both personal and professional, in frustration. I try very hard to make sure I balance my work stress against my need for wellness. I prioritize my health more so now than I ever have in my life, and sometimes that means paying attention to work vs wellness. I try not to sweat the small stuff at work, and focus on the bigger picture in my life. Most days I'm successful, but some days the work still gets to me. Again, I have been trying to use the frustration constructively instead of allowing it to bring me down. I've got a good support system in my co-workers on those off days, and I think that really helps.

I started a book club a few months ago (Eat, Drink, Read), and it's going really well. I have wanted to start one for a while now, but was always too nervous to put feelers out there in case no one else was interested. I decided to stop worrying about it, and as it turns out the group is quite big! Not to mention, our book choices have been awesome. It's something I look forward to every month now. It's so much fun.

On another note, I've been moody at home and the result is me feeling like Tyler has been more careless.  Am I taking what he's saying and doing too personally, or is he really being an ass? I find myself asking this question almost daily. It's hard to tell when you're in the middle of it. I am always worried he's tired of taking care of me. Not that he has to take care of me like he did, but in general, I wonder if he's just... tired. You know? Doesn't want to be nice, doesn't want to deal with me complaining about one thing or another, etc. We've really been at each other lately. Hopefully it passes. Marriage is weird. I don't need any advice here; I do talk to him about all of this and how I'm feeling. I try to keep an open dialog and he does, too. We do well not pointing fingers or screaming at each other. It helps that he's all logic. All problems, emotional or not, have a logical solution to him. This keeps me from losing my head and flying off the handle when he says something that makes me want to hit him. Again, I think most of the issue is me and how extra sensitive I have been. He hasn't changed, He's still good ole Tyler who says whatever pops into his mind at the time... I just allow the carelessness to upset me more than it used to.

I also have been worried about posting blogs in general. This is my own internal struggle. I started writing because it was an outlet for me emotionally. If someone wants to read it, fine, and if they don't that's OK too.  Lately though, I've been worried that people will just roll their eyes when they see I've posted another blog. Dumb - I know, especially because the blog is more for me than anyone else.

In a more positive light, it's the holiday season. As much as I dislike the cold and snow, I absolutely love this time of year. I am hosting my first Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family. This will be my first turkey. I am totally stoked. We always put the Christmas tree up the Friday after Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorite things to do with the kids every year. I am also almost done Christmas shopping (which for anyone who knows me well, this is no surprise.) I've got so many fun and amazing things planned for the last 7 weeks of 2019 in addition to Thanksgiving at our house that it's hard not to be happy and excited. I have two ornament exchanges, hopefully two book club meetings (but with Christmas in the mix we'll have to see), Desmond's 11th birthday, and the obvious family celebrations for Christmas. Last Christmas I was a mess. I am so thrilled that this Christmas I'll feel alive again! P.S. my hair is getting a little mullet-y. So, if anyone has any cute haircut ideas, send them my way. I'd like to get a trim before Thanksgiving!!!