A New Norm

I beat cancer! I finished PT on my arm! I’m working my way through pelvic floor PT! I meet with my new psychiatrist Tuesday! I am getting there... But whose body is this?

I look in the mirror and am 100% satisfied and happy with the choice to not get reconstruction. I look in the mirror and trace the lines of my scars and think “good riddance”. I look in the mirror at this curly mop of brown hair and think “not bad.”

2015 vs 2019

I also look in the mirror at this belly fat as a result of medications, treatment, fatigue, and surgery in disappointment. I look at the size listed on the tags of all the new pants I’ve had to purchase with sadness. I balk at the fact that half of my long sleeve shirts are too tight around my upper arms to wear to work. I cry and feel the urge to scream when I’m fatigued after doing something as simple as putting my daughter to bed at night. I shake my head at the fact that my thighs and butt are the biggest they have ever been in my entire life, including pregnancies. (Who doesn't like a poppin' booty, though? Am I right?) I get crazy hot flashes. I get mood swings. The only time I remember being this emotional was when I had postpartum depression, which overlapped the beginning stages of my divorce. It seems silly to focus on these physicality of it all after I just beat cancer, but here we are.

My shoulders hurt. My neck hurts. My head hurts. My vagina hurts. My right hand hurts because nephropathy is a bitch. Something always hurts. I'm cranky and tired. This is my new norm. I am working through it, but it’s so difficult for me to accept this as my new norm. 

I am exercising 3-4 times a week to work toward getting more energy and getting rid of some of the excess weight. I joined a LiveStrong cancer survivor class at the YMCA that comes with a free gym membership. May as well take advantage of it!

Shrimp & Veggie Kabobs

We recently made the decision as a family to go lacto-ovo-pescatarian.  Someone educated me recently that this is the proper term for what our family practices when I mentioned we’d decided to go pescatarian. (Thank you John  http://thisisareal.company/) Not to say we won’t splurge on the occasional chicken, beef, or otherwise dish, but we’re trying to focus on more of the AICR recommended foods for fighting cancer. https://www.aicr.org/new-american-plate/ I have a freezer full of venison that will not go to waste, but we are going to focus on a plant based diet for the rest of MY life.

The kids can’t be genetically tested until they are 18 and can legally consent to the testing themselves, but the truth is they are high risk. Anything that is within my power to help lessen their chance of getting cancer, I am going to do. I would also like to think I have SOME control over my own chances of  re-occurrence. In addition, my husband eats like crap. I am trying to reign that in. Honestly, there is a very high chance some of my recipes will be blogged about soon. I am trying to be enthusiastic about this. Stay tuned.