A Week Of Nonsense

A week of nonsense.  That is the only way to describe the inner workings of Brave Betty this week… nonsense.  I went back to work this week, 6/17/19.  I foolishly assumed going back to work, being around adults, and keeping myself busy with work would help distract me from the CRYING you may have previously read about.  I was unfortunately mistaken.  It hasn’t changed the hurricane inside of me, but it has just resulted in me trying not to cry randomly throughout the day at work. 

On Wednesday I called my mom on the way home because I felt like a mess inside, fighting off the urge to cry most of the afternoon. She kept me in check for the ride home, thankfully.  However, I walked in the door and Evelyn said “Mama!” in an amazingly sweet, excited voice, and Shamus ran up to me and gave me a big hug, telling me he missed me and loves me.  It feels stupid to write, but those little sentiments of love pushed me over an already teetering edge.  They weren’t sad tears, just tears.  Let me point out, this is NOT normal for me. I hate crying.  I usually only cry when I am pissed off.  This is, as Jasmine would say, “A whole new world!” 

 

I know that surgical menopause comes on all at once because instead of hormones slowly declining, the levels disappear overnight.  This results in stronger, more aggressive menopause symptoms.  How wonderful!  These are only the short term effects, too.  Long term I am at risk for osteoporosis and heart disease without estrogen to keep my body in check – more on that can be found on this site: https://www.menopause.org.au/hp/information-sheets/756-surgical-menopause  I plan to talk to my oncologist when I go back for my checkup in September to discuss hormone replacement therapy.  Lucky for me (and also unlucky for me for having a rare type), because I have triple negative breast cancer, I can take hormone replacements if needed.  Women who have an estrogen or progesterone receptive breast cancer rarely if ever are allowed HRT.  Triple negative is currently understood to not be affected by hormones.  (This also means hormones therapy can’t be used to fight it off, either… which is why my cancer treatment plan has been so aggressive.  Your options are limited with TNBC.)

I have not been having as many hot flashes as I had when on chemo, but the night sweats are never-ending. I wake up at least twice, sometimes three or four times, during the night drenched in sweat, ripping off my pajama pants, and opening the back door to let the cool night air relieve my discomfort. I am sure part of my emotional state is lack of sleep.  I’m the kind of creature who needs seven or more hours of sleep to feel functional, not to mention radiation exhausts my body.  Any less than seven hours and I tend to have trouble the next day. I’ve been averaging about six hours of sleep lately, some nights more, some nights less.  It’s not that I don’t want more.  I go to bed around 9:30 PM and wake up at 5:30 AM on the weekdays, but that’s IF I can actually fall asleep. Then I always wake up during the night.  Often times I can’t get back to bed for an hour or more.  I sleep on the couch most nights.  I told Tyler it’s because he snores, ha, but mostly it’s because I don’t want to wake him up when I wake up and the door is closer to the couch.  I tried sleeping in our room last night, but I woke up three times. On the third time, around 3:30 AM, I was so hot I couldn’t stand it anymore and got out of bed.  I went downstairs, stood on the back patio for a few moments, and when I was finally cooled off I tried to go back to sleep on the couch. The last time I recall seeing on the clock was 4:15 AM.  I must have fallen asleep shortly after that… and then the dreaded alarm went off at 5:30 AM.

Working out is supposed to help with fatigue.  I couldn’t do much aside from my PT stretches and walking before this week, and I did go on walks whenever I could at home.  I got the go-ahead on Thursday 6/13/19 from my gyno-onco surgeon that I could resume a light workout routine, but nothing moderate or high intensity until the 12 week post-hysto mark.  I started using free weights and a stationary bike at home over the weekend and every morning except today (Friday). I also resumed walking on my lunch break with a few work friends on weekdays.  Have a seen an immediate improvement in my energy level?  Sadly no, but I am hopeful if I keep it up, it’ll eventually help.

Weekends I try to get extra sleep but it never actually happens.  I have been trying to let Tyler sleep in. Now that I feel more like myself and am healing, I just get up with the kids and drink a lot of coffee to offset the tiredness.  I did request last weekend, however, that when he wakes up, instead of jumping right into the shower, he lets me take one first since I’ve been up for a few hours by that point. 

Until I am done with treatment I can’t even THINK about escaping the reality of cancer and the side effects like fatigue.  I am in remission, yes, but for how long?  I don’t think I’ll ever actually be able to take a break from any of this. I said to someone yesterday that I have become acutely aware of my mortality. I will always be afraid. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, though.  Radiation ends 7/19/19 (unless for some reason the machine is down or something strange), and after it’s done I’ll just have PT a few more times and a few doctor appointments a year.  I can do that.  No more infusions that make me feel like I’m dying, no more radiation burning my body from the inside out, no more slicing and dicing.  Just simple, quick, and hopefully ALL CLEAR doctor checkups.

On an unrelated but humorous note, when I don’t feel like bursting into tears I feel like ripping off Tyler’s clothes.  Since I don’t have estrogen or progesterone coursing through my body anymore, all that’s left is testosterone. It catches me off guard. I've felt so crappy for so long, it feels foreign when it hits.  We can’t do anything to help that for about 7-9 weeks, when I’m fully healed from the hysterectomy.  TMI to put into this blog? Probably.  Do I care? Not one bit.