Ending 2022

Something really wonderful about a lack of blog posts is that it implies I am busy living life.

It has truly been a good year. Work has been a blast, and I adore all of my co-workers. It is a blessing to like working with those around you. They make my job a good one. Low drama, high output, and an all around fun and enjoyable atmosphere. Can't complain!

My side hustles have taken off pretty well, too. I've started focusing a lot on what I care about like crafting and photography, and if I can turn that into something that isn't just costing money, it can make me money, too, well, that's even better! So, B & C's Crafty cottage is doing well, and as of January when I started back up with photos, Grandma's Little Gallery Photography is also steady. The kids, the work, the crafts, and life all keep me busy.

The kids are great. I now have a 14 year old which blows my mind, but he is such a great kid. We just had high school open house, and I wanted to throw up the entire time. He, on the other hand, was buzzing with anticipation. I know he'll love high school. He has done so great in middle school and made such a good group of friends. He surprises me every day.

The 12 year old is another story. He hasn't taken to middle school quite as well. He is really struggling to stay focused this year. I hired a tutor to try to help him along, but until he decides he WANTS to do better, this is going to be a tough time to get through. He's still the sweetest kid with the biggest heart, but boy when he decides he doesn't like something, he really goes head first. I am still hoping we can turn this school year around. We'll have to see how it goes.

The little one is as sassy as ever. I can see a little bit of me in her, like when she started to plan her 6th birthday party the day after her 5th birthday party. Yes, that's definitely me. I can also see a lot of her dad in her, like when she refuses help when she is trying to do something or figure something out. That is 100% Tyler.

All three kids and healthy and for the most part happy. You know kids, God forbid I ask them to hang out when all they want to do is play with their friends or play video games. Evelyn has started playing video games with the boys now, too. She's actually quite good. She has been keeping up with the boys lately, and it's awesome to see them all interact and play together. Despite the age differences, the boys really make her feel welcome and part of the group when the three are them are together. They are great big brothers.

My October oncology appointment went fine. I had one count that was slightly elevated, but my doctor confirmed it's because I need to lose weight. So, that will be a big focus in the coming months. Eat less, move more. Sometimes just that reminder is enough to kick me back into gear. It is a lot harder these days to lose the weight than it was before all my surgeries. I am sure age is also a contributing factory. Everything gets harder the older we get.

One really amazing things that I did this year was get my mastectomy tattoos. It's something I was so looking forward to, and with most of the covid restrictions gone, I finally got it completed. It feels great and the artist I went to was fabulous. I have a coverup coming up this spring on my left arm. I was going to try and get that done this past fall, but my lymphedema was acting up, so I pushed it out until March. Losing weight and cooler weather help resolve some of the swelling.

That is all I have! Bring on 2023!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, well, well. It's been about 15 months since I wrote a blog. Back at the end of 2020 I was still really struggling with PTSD and anxiety. My life has changed in ways I wouldn't have every imagined 15 months ago.

Fast forward to present day, and I swear to you, I am the same me just minus the severe anxiety! Is it a miracle drug? Nope. Just good-old-fashioned talk therapy! I found myself an incredible therapist back in 2020, and when my insurance changed in 2021 it took me a few tries, but I found another really wonderful therapist. Between the two of them, I was given the tools and confidence to take control of my anxiety. I have had the unique ability to not only overcome my PTSD, but also control my anxiety more than I've ever been able to before.

In addition to my two amazing therapists, I also formally became an ABCD mentor in December 2020. I think this helped the MOST with my PTSD and recurrence fears. I like to say that becoming a mentor gave the ugliest piece of my life meaning. I am helping others who are struggling with the BC diagnosis, because I have been in their shoes. It's a truly amazing thing to acknowledge that my journey is helping others through theirs. As of today, I have mentored 17 participants for various concerns through their journey. More information on ABCD and their work can be found here: abcdbreastcancersupport.org

Through ABCD, I was also asked to give an interview to the Institute of Beauty and Wellness for their annual fund raiser. All proceeds for the fund raiser go toward ABCD and helping to fund their amazing work. For the full fund raiser video you can follow this link (My interview is at the 1 hour 9 min mark): https://youtu.be/kxmR7xx5wMY

I also wrote a brief summary of my cancer journey for Susan G. Komen for them to feature on their blog and use in fundraiser blasts. When the marketing editor for Komen reached out to me for a photo, I debated sending a current picture, but in the end I decided that a photo from my last chemo treatment felt like a better fit.  That blog post can be found here: https://blog.komen.org/blog/the-hardest-year/

It's amazing the things I've been able to achieve now that my primary focus isn't on controlling my anxiety:

• got a promotion at my employer (woo-hoo)
  
• left that employer 4 months later for an amazing opportunity (yes, left my job of 6 years! I shocked even myself!)
• went back to college to finish my business management degree (Graduation is June '23!)
• decided to get back into my art (which took a dive after I was diagnosed) and even started a side gig as a photographer ( www.grandmaslittlegallery.com )
• getting monthly massages as a treat for myself
• am actually back to enjoying every day and not sweating the small stuff

I jokingly told my therapist last month that talking to her makes me a between wife, but in reality it was no joke at all.

I feel great, inside and out.

My next surgical check-up is 2/10, followed by my oncology appointment on 4/25. I have no concerns, and hope to keep it that way!

October 2020 post 9 - Plans

One of my anxiety triggers is when plans go awry. 

I’m not talking about when you plan to make chicken for dinner and it goes spoiled and you can’t make it, but bigger picture plans. I can adapt to day to day changes yet struggle when we have to shift trajectory on our “buying a new car” plan or “fixing up the house” plan.

My husband doesn’t understand it, and I have begun to take my hands off the reigns, let him do whatever he wants, and periodically make passive aggrieved remarks if there’s something I’m not in agreement with. Healthy, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I do try to speak my mind, but when someone doesn’t understand your anxiety trigger because their mind doesn't work the same way, you’re just shouting into a void. It’s better to just coast along with it sometimes, especially when it takes some of the pressure off of you. It helps calm the panic. 

Tyler not understanding my anxiety triggers is probably the #1 argument starter in our marriage. He also suffers from anxiety, but his manifests as head aches and crabbiness. Mine is more intense and impossible to ignore at its worst; nausea, tears, shakes, inability to function, inability to think or speak in complete sentences, severe anger, severe sadness, rocking, exhaustion, and more. He gets a little cranky and his head hurts, and he doesn’t understand my reactions. His go to is “just calm down.”

I have no expectation of him understanding, and I am trying very hard to be able to vocalize my anxiety better. It’s just not that simple. When I say “I thought we had a plan”, I mean, “I don’t like how you’ve changed our plan and it’s upsetting my internal balance.” If I say the latter, he will try to logic his way out of it. That’s his go to; he tries to apply logic to something illogical. Mental health ya’ll. What a mind fuck.

So, today I’m sitting on the couch, rocking (at a faster pace than usual), and trying to figure out a logical way to explain to my husband that the decisions he’s been making for the last month are giving me so much anxiety that I’m having chest pain. (No, I’m not having a heart attack.) He won’t stop what he’s doing, he’ll just feel bad about it for an hour. That doesn’t do either of us any good, so how do I approach this? So far, I’ve pretty much repeated the words “do whatever you want” way too many times this week. There HAS to be a better way to not be so anxious over changes to big plans, right? 

There has to be... Something better than “get over it” and “calm down”. There has to be.

October 2020 - post 8

 What is the best ice cream? I know it's fall, but is it ever really NOT ice cream or custard season?

My brother and I were discussing flavors recently, and we both agreed that cookies and cream is one of the BEST! I love anything with mint, he does. I also love chocolate with cherries or peanut butter, he wasn't as into that either. He likes anything with caramel, which I do not favor. 

Moreover, where is the best place to buy custard or ice cream? My husband likes Dairy Queen, I prefer custard shops like Culvers or Kopps. My brother is in agreement with me here. The kids like Culvers. I recently tried gelato for the first time ever; does that supersede ice cream and custard? I think not. 

And who has the best store bought brand? We tend to lean toward Breyers. Are there better options? 

I sit here, eating a bowl of cookies and cream custard from Culvers, (don't worry I took a lactaid) pondering the meaning of life from an ice cream standpoint. 

My follow up oncology appointment is one week from today, and I feel more and more anxious the closer it gets to the actual appointment. I’m not expecting any surprises, I feel good, and I think that’s what scares me the most. 

I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our life is looking more and more like it used to, and I feel more and more happy and relaxed, and now I have my five month check up exactly 2 years after my initial diagnosis, and it’s almost like I’m too happy with life. Maybe if I were miserable I wouldn’t be so panicked about my check up, because then I would be expecting the worst. 

This, however, it’s almost more difficult. Here I am, happy with life, and I can’t help but feel afraid that I’m going to go to my appointment and it’s going to slap me in the face again like it did last time.

Here’s hoping things are as good as I feel.

October 2020 post 7

My husband got in a car accident today. It was his first accident ever as a driver. He was a passenger as teenager for an accident, but otherwise he has no experience with car accidents. He was embarrassed and he was shook up but he’s OK. 
The car is pretty beat up, a lot of front end damage. We’ll know more this weekend about whether or not it can be repaired and how much that’ll be. Luckily no one was at fault so all we have to pay as our insurance deductible, and we have accident forgiveness so our insurance premium isn’t going up anytime soon either.

I posted that he got in a car accident on my Facebook social media page. Within 15 minutes he asked me to take it down because he was embarrassed. He doesn’t have social media accounts. He got a text from a friend asking if he was OK. I don’t think my husband understands how much I need to discuss things when they happen. Part of how I get through my anxiety is I communicate through it. When he called me and told me he got in a bad accident, within a few seconds I felt like I was going to throw up and began to physically shake. I knew I wasn’t actually sick and it was just my nerves and anxiety getting the better of me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had that physical response.

I’m a talker. It helps me sort through my feelings when I say things out loud or write them down and I’m able to get feedback from other people on it. My husband is not a talker, so sometimes I turn to my friends, my social media page, etc. In this particular instance I feel like I can’t really post it on Facebook, so I’m blogging about it because not a lot of people read my blogs anyway. 

I guess right now I just feel like I need to get it out. I texted some close friends, coworkers, and he told his mom about it. It helps to be able to talk to those friends. I am a slave to social media, though. To be honest, some days I just want to delete my Facebook. I like having it because I like to see what everybody’s up to, I like to see pictures my friends post, and I really like the fact that I can communicate with people who are far away, especially during this strange time. But days like today where I posted something that I wanted to talk about and I wasn’t able to because it affects him too, it made me wish I didn’t rely so heavily on Facebook for social interactions. It also makes me wish that how I navigate through my anxiety was something that didn’t bother my husband. It’s a weird position for us both to be in. He hates any and all attention, and for me it isn’t the attention but the need to discuss everything. He doesn’t even want to discuss. He wants to fix, do, and forget about it. All in silence. Ha, so the opposite of me.

He’s ok. That’s the key point here. The rest will sort itself out.

October 2020 - Post 6

Can we talk about Kelly Preston for a minute?

I don’t have all the details on her diagnosis, but I do know after a 2 year battle with breast cancer she died at age 57. This just happened in July, 2020. I hated reading about it, hated reading the heartfelt posts her daughter and husband posted on social media, and hated that her youngest child was only 9 when she passed away. I hated that a celebrity with infinite resources, infinite options, couldn’t beat her bc diagnosis. Every part of me hurt reading that she died, and even writing this is difficult for me. https://people.com/movies/kelly-preston-dies-of-breast-cancer-at-57/

I’m so much less anxious than I was 3 months ago, even though it’s the anniversary month of my diagnosis. Therapy has helped, a lot. My checkup is coming up on 10/27, too. That’s both nerve wracking but also reassuring. I feel good, and I hope nothing pops up that changes that.

That being said, it’s a somber reminder to me when I hear or read that someone with young children, like myself, has lost their battle with cancer. It’s especially difficult for me if it’s breast cancer. I wish I didn’t think about it all of the time. I wish I was reminded of it every day. I wish it hadn’t been such hell to go through. I wish a lot of things, but it doesn’t change anything. We just have to carry on.

Until next time...!

October 2020 post 5 - Ode de Tyler

Post 5 is all about the other conductor on this train; Tyler.

When I was going through a divorce he was my friend and helped support me when I needed it. He lifted me up and made me feel strong when I felt weak.

When he was my boyfriend he held on even when I tried to run away. He wouldn’t let my fear ruin our relationship. He was strong for us both.

When I was going through treatment he took care of himself, the kids, and me. He carried a heavy weight around for a year, and still slapped a smile on his face every day to make me feel better. He was strong for our whole family.

Now... we argue, we whine, we bicker, but we also love. He appreciates when I say sorry, and apologizes when he’s wrong. He hugs me randomly. He cuddles me when I need it, sometimes when I didn’t even realize I needed it. He’s an amazing dad and reminds me every day of what’s important. He keeps me laughing. He cheers me up when I’m sad. My happiness makes him happy, and his happiness make me happy.

So... I appreciate him, and I hope he knows just how much.