5 year cancerversary

 "Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." — John Quincy Adams

Five years ago, this moment seemed desperately far away. Every lab appointment, oncology check-up, surgical follow-up, physical therapy session, and scan had a day or two ahead of it with me anxious and irritable, obsessing over worst case scenarios, all the while wishing, hoping, and praying for clean results. 

October 2018

The last family photo taken before I was diagnosed (right), I had a hunch the two lumps I'd found were cancer but was trying to stay positive. I was young, healthy, and didn't have the fatigue or other symptoms people describe for breast cancer. My symptoms were altogether different from the classic WebMD signs. Somehow, though, I just knew. The morning before the photo I broke down in the shower, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. I remember getting ready for the picture, worried about how my hair would look in the pictures, hoping the wind wouldn't be too bad, and trying to give the boys a pep talk about smiling and behaving at the park while John was taking our pictures. The weather was great, for the most part everyone cooperated. We ended up with a great photo for our Christmas cards, but a week later our lives were turned upside down.

July 2023

This year I took our family photos myself. One of things I promised myself when I came out the other side of this ugly journey, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, is to get back into the things I love. A big one of those things has been photography. The vibe is a little different in this years' photos since we have awkward 14 and 6 year olds, but the love remains the same.

October 31st, 2023 marked the 5-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and means a significant drop in my recurrence changes. That is something to celebrate, if I've ever heard it. Despite this date feeling so far away back then, the years have flown by! Evelyn is now busy six year old who can't sit still. She loves legos, video games, and playing with Barbies. Desmond is an excellent student who focuses on his grades and future college plans in between rounds of Roblox and Mario video games. Shamus is still creative in everything he does, from art to legos. He's non-stop and keeps us on our toes to say the least. Their resilience over the years has helped me keep going, even on those difficult days when it's hard to imagine reaching that 5-year goal line.

Today is a good day. A friend at work's daughter made me beautiful bracelets to celebrate this milestone day, and I ordered cupcakes not only for our Halloween party at work but also for tonight where I've invited everyone who wants to pop over for a treat. I baked cookies last night, too. Sweet treats for a sweet day! 

Handmade Bracelets

This day will always be scary... there are no two ways about it, but just like being an ABCD mentor, the only thing I can do is turn this terrible day into something positive! So eat the cup cakes, share a drink with me, celebrate that I made it out the other side of this stupid things, and party on a TUESDAY NIGHT!

Maple Bacon Cupcakes

Cheers and Happy Halloween!

"It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting." — Elizabeth Taylor

Success Looks Different

 Success looks different to everyone. 

To my oldest, it meant getting recommendations from 2 teachers to be accepted into an AP class as an incoming freshman, ending 8th grade with 6 A's and 2 B's, and hopefully getting his first real job this summer. He's one amazing child.

To my middle child it was passing 6th grade. Sure, it's with a D average, but he passed! I am hoping 7th grade is easier on the both of us, because I am not sure my nerves can handle much more of his student style. My tear ducts are starting to run dry, as well.

For the youngest, it means not crying when I left her school's "last day" picnic at lunch time. She's had some health ups and downs this year, but she is one tough cookie, and I think we've rounded a corner! She's going to rock 1st grade next year. 

As a mom, it feels a lot like my success directly relates to their success. If they are happy, that's all I really need. My personal successes all take a back seat to them and their needs, and I honestly love that. I wouldn't want it any other way. There are times in my life, sometimes unexpectedly, where I am reminded just what exactly being a mother means to me. It means sleepless nights. It means stomachaches. It means panic attacks. It means putting myself second most of the time. It means respecting myself and my children enough to stand up for myself and the boundaries I've created for myself when it comes to that aspect of my life, both with them and with others. It also means happiness beyond anything I could've ever imagined. It means taking the bad with the amazingly great. It means everything to me.

On the topic of success - for me personally, aside from school, success has meant not obsessing over the multiple scans I've had over the last month and a half. I had my 6-month check up with my oncologist on 4/27. I had a few complaints, which lead to a CT scan, which lead to a follow up MRI, which lead to being told I will now have follow up MRIs every 3-4 months, to watch a mass on my liver as well as check-ups with my oncologist after each of those MRIs. 

While being this close to my 5-year mark feels like a step forward, this mass feels like 2-steps back. The good news is, there is no evidence that it's cancer. The bad news is, they have to watch it make it sure it isn't going to turn into something more concerning. Like I said, I am trying very hard not to obsess over it.

Summer vacation is here! It's a time for relaxing, vacations, camp, weddings spending time in the backyard with the family, and not worrying if someone has an A or a D. I look forward to the next 12 weeks a whole bunch. :)

Bucket List

Do you have a bucket list? I was never a "bucket list" person before. At least, not until 2019. After that, I decided all of things I kept putting off for "someday" I was going to get done now. So many of those things are coming to fruition in 2023, and it's exhilarating and scary all at the same time. My bucket list has been on my mind lately, and I wanted to share some of the reasons why.

Last year my husband and I went to Kansas City, MO and did a BBQ tour for our 5-year anniversary. Checking that off my bucket list was so much fun. Not only did we do the BBQ tour, but we checked "go to a Gordon Ramsay Steak House" off of our bucket lists, as well. Most of my bucket list is places I'd like to visit. I have a few other things I'd like to do on my bucket list, too, that aren't travel related. I thought I'd share these, and I'm starting with the items that I actually get to CHECK OFF this year! 

• Become a published author - ever since I was a child I have been writing stories, short and long. It's always been a dream, or a goal, to one day publish all of them. You have to start somewhere, though, and as of 3/1/23 I officially AM a published author! I submitted a story at the insistence of a friend who edited it for me, and Creative Wisconsin Magazine told me they would be "honored" to publish it! It's a short story, an autobiographical fiction. It's based on a true event that happened while I was sick, and I changed only a few details. It was published in their 3/1/23 edition. It's by subscription only, but I am happy to share the story with anyone interested.
• 
  Visit Nashville, TN - I am going in May with a great group of gals. I can't wait! Cowboy boots, country music, and a long weekend to relax. Perfection!
• Visit Texas - Evelyn and I are taking her "Mommy and Me" kindergarten trip in June, and she chose Texas. I took the boys on vacations of their choosing when they finished kindergarten, too, and I am so happy she chose somewhere on my bucket list. She wants to visit my aunt who lives in the Houston area, and we're also staying on Galveston Island right across from the Gulf of Mexico. The beach is my happy place.
• Finish my degree. I am officially done December 2023 - so, so, so close! I am doing it for me, not for an employer or anything else. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. After I was sick, I didn't want to wait anymore. I can't believe I am almost done! These last 2 years have just FLOWN! As much time as schoolwork takes up, I think I am going to miss it.

Some of the other items on my bucket list that I won't be achieving this year, but hope to soon, are mostly travel related. These are listed in no particular order.

• I would like to see Mount Rushmore.
• The French Quarter - New Orleans, LA
• The Grand Canyon - I share this one with my husband, so I am sure we'll be doing this one soon!
• Tampa Bay, FL (Surprise, Surprise). I'd really like to see Raymond James Stadium, even more so I'd like to see a Buccaneers game.
• Alaskan whale watching cruise - my husband also wants to do this, so hopefully this one will also happen soon!
• London, England. I want to see it all. Every last inch of London.
• Rome & Sicily - give me the food, give me the sea, give me all of it.
• Dublin, Ireland, although I'd love to see as much of Ireland as I can. 
• South Island, New Zealand. Pretty much any city, any mountain range, glaciers, I want to see as much as I can of it. I'd absolutely love to see North Island too, but my bucket list is South Island. Queenstown, Christchurch, Dunedin all look amazing, but really the big thing here is seeing the Fox and Franz Josef glaciers.
• Washington, DC. Because duh.
• New York City, NY. I was supposed to go years ago and it just didn't happen. Life happened. I still want to see it.
• Boston, MA - I love seafood and want the experience of eating at some of the best seafood places on the east coast, but also... Remember that show Fringe? It took place mostly in Boston, MA. Call me lame, but ever since watching that show, I've wanted to go!
• I would like to meet Gordon Ramsay. No explanation needed. If he actually cooks for me, double bonus.
• I would like to meet Michael Bolton... also no explanation needed. If you don't understand, nothing I say can help that. LOL!
• I would like to meet Taylor Swift. Yes, I am a Swifty... I am who I am. :)

Looking to the future can be difficult, especially when I still worry about recurrence. Just knowing I am checking things off of my list makes me so happy and gives me such a feeling of fulfillment. 

I would love to hear about other people's bucket lists. What is on yours?