5 year cancerversary

 "Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." — John Quincy Adams

Five years ago, this moment seemed desperately far away. Every lab appointment, oncology check-up, surgical follow-up, physical therapy session, and scan had a day or two ahead of it with me anxious and irritable, obsessing over worst case scenarios, all the while wishing, hoping, and praying for clean results. 

October 2018

The last family photo taken before I was diagnosed (right), I had a hunch the two lumps I'd found were cancer but was trying to stay positive. I was young, healthy, and didn't have the fatigue or other symptoms people describe for breast cancer. My symptoms were altogether different from the classic WebMD signs. Somehow, though, I just knew. The morning before the photo I broke down in the shower, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. I remember getting ready for the picture, worried about how my hair would look in the pictures, hoping the wind wouldn't be too bad, and trying to give the boys a pep talk about smiling and behaving at the park while John was taking our pictures. The weather was great, for the most part everyone cooperated. We ended up with a great photo for our Christmas cards, but a week later our lives were turned upside down.

July 2023

This year I took our family photos myself. One of things I promised myself when I came out the other side of this ugly journey, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, is to get back into the things I love. A big one of those things has been photography. The vibe is a little different in this years' photos since we have awkward 14 and 6 year olds, but the love remains the same.

October 31st, 2023 marked the 5-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and means a significant drop in my recurrence changes. That is something to celebrate, if I've ever heard it. Despite this date feeling so far away back then, the years have flown by! Evelyn is now busy six year old who can't sit still. She loves legos, video games, and playing with Barbies. Desmond is an excellent student who focuses on his grades and future college plans in between rounds of Roblox and Mario video games. Shamus is still creative in everything he does, from art to legos. He's non-stop and keeps us on our toes to say the least. Their resilience over the years has helped me keep going, even on those difficult days when it's hard to imagine reaching that 5-year goal line.

Today is a good day. A friend at work's daughter made me beautiful bracelets to celebrate this milestone day, and I ordered cupcakes not only for our Halloween party at work but also for tonight where I've invited everyone who wants to pop over for a treat. I baked cookies last night, too. Sweet treats for a sweet day! 

Handmade Bracelets

This day will always be scary... there are no two ways about it, but just like being an ABCD mentor, the only thing I can do is turn this terrible day into something positive! So eat the cup cakes, share a drink with me, celebrate that I made it out the other side of this stupid things, and party on a TUESDAY NIGHT!

Maple Bacon Cupcakes

Cheers and Happy Halloween!

"It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting." — Elizabeth Taylor

Success Looks Different

 Success looks different to everyone. 

To my oldest, it meant getting recommendations from 2 teachers to be accepted into an AP class as an incoming freshman, ending 8th grade with 6 A's and 2 B's, and hopefully getting his first real job this summer. He's one amazing child.

To my middle child it was passing 6th grade. Sure, it's with a D average, but he passed! I am hoping 7th grade is easier on the both of us, because I am not sure my nerves can handle much more of his student style. My tear ducts are starting to run dry, as well.

For the youngest, it means not crying when I left her school's "last day" picnic at lunch time. She's had some health ups and downs this year, but she is one tough cookie, and I think we've rounded a corner! She's going to rock 1st grade next year. 

As a mom, it feels a lot like my success directly relates to their success. If they are happy, that's all I really need. My personal successes all take a back seat to them and their needs, and I honestly love that. I wouldn't want it any other way. There are times in my life, sometimes unexpectedly, where I am reminded just what exactly being a mother means to me. It means sleepless nights. It means stomachaches. It means panic attacks. It means putting myself second most of the time. It means respecting myself and my children enough to stand up for myself and the boundaries I've created for myself when it comes to that aspect of my life, both with them and with others. It also means happiness beyond anything I could've ever imagined. It means taking the bad with the amazingly great. It means everything to me.

On the topic of success - for me personally, aside from school, success has meant not obsessing over the multiple scans I've had over the last month and a half. I had my 6-month check up with my oncologist on 4/27. I had a few complaints, which lead to a CT scan, which lead to a follow up MRI, which lead to being told I will now have follow up MRIs every 3-4 months, to watch a mass on my liver as well as check-ups with my oncologist after each of those MRIs. 

While being this close to my 5-year mark feels like a step forward, this mass feels like 2-steps back. The good news is, there is no evidence that it's cancer. The bad news is, they have to watch it make it sure it isn't going to turn into something more concerning. Like I said, I am trying very hard not to obsess over it.

Summer vacation is here! It's a time for relaxing, vacations, camp, weddings spending time in the backyard with the family, and not worrying if someone has an A or a D. I look forward to the next 12 weeks a whole bunch. :)

Bucket List

Do you have a bucket list? I was never a "bucket list" person before. At least, not until 2019. After that, I decided all of things I kept putting off for "someday" I was going to get done now. So many of those things are coming to fruition in 2023, and it's exhilarating and scary all at the same time. My bucket list has been on my mind lately, and I wanted to share some of the reasons why.

Last year my husband and I went to Kansas City, MO and did a BBQ tour for our 5-year anniversary. Checking that off my bucket list was so much fun. Not only did we do the BBQ tour, but we checked "go to a Gordon Ramsay Steak House" off of our bucket lists, as well. Most of my bucket list is places I'd like to visit. I have a few other things I'd like to do on my bucket list, too, that aren't travel related. I thought I'd share these, and I'm starting with the items that I actually get to CHECK OFF this year! 

• Become a published author - ever since I was a child I have been writing stories, short and long. It's always been a dream, or a goal, to one day publish all of them. You have to start somewhere, though, and as of 3/1/23 I officially AM a published author! I submitted a story at the insistence of a friend who edited it for me, and Creative Wisconsin Magazine told me they would be "honored" to publish it! It's a short story, an autobiographical fiction. It's based on a true event that happened while I was sick, and I changed only a few details. It was published in their 3/1/23 edition. It's by subscription only, but I am happy to share the story with anyone interested.
• 
  Visit Nashville, TN - I am going in May with a great group of gals. I can't wait! Cowboy boots, country music, and a long weekend to relax. Perfection!
• Visit Texas - Evelyn and I are taking her "Mommy and Me" kindergarten trip in June, and she chose Texas. I took the boys on vacations of their choosing when they finished kindergarten, too, and I am so happy she chose somewhere on my bucket list. She wants to visit my aunt who lives in the Houston area, and we're also staying on Galveston Island right across from the Gulf of Mexico. The beach is my happy place.
• Finish my degree. I am officially done December 2023 - so, so, so close! I am doing it for me, not for an employer or anything else. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. After I was sick, I didn't want to wait anymore. I can't believe I am almost done! These last 2 years have just FLOWN! As much time as schoolwork takes up, I think I am going to miss it.

Some of the other items on my bucket list that I won't be achieving this year, but hope to soon, are mostly travel related. These are listed in no particular order.

• I would like to see Mount Rushmore.
• The French Quarter - New Orleans, LA
• The Grand Canyon - I share this one with my husband, so I am sure we'll be doing this one soon!
• Tampa Bay, FL (Surprise, Surprise). I'd really like to see Raymond James Stadium, even more so I'd like to see a Buccaneers game.
• Alaskan whale watching cruise - my husband also wants to do this, so hopefully this one will also happen soon!
• London, England. I want to see it all. Every last inch of London.
• Rome & Sicily - give me the food, give me the sea, give me all of it.
• Dublin, Ireland, although I'd love to see as much of Ireland as I can. 
• South Island, New Zealand. Pretty much any city, any mountain range, glaciers, I want to see as much as I can of it. I'd absolutely love to see North Island too, but my bucket list is South Island. Queenstown, Christchurch, Dunedin all look amazing, but really the big thing here is seeing the Fox and Franz Josef glaciers.
• Washington, DC. Because duh.
• New York City, NY. I was supposed to go years ago and it just didn't happen. Life happened. I still want to see it.
• Boston, MA - I love seafood and want the experience of eating at some of the best seafood places on the east coast, but also... Remember that show Fringe? It took place mostly in Boston, MA. Call me lame, but ever since watching that show, I've wanted to go!
• I would like to meet Gordon Ramsay. No explanation needed. If he actually cooks for me, double bonus.
• I would like to meet Michael Bolton... also no explanation needed. If you don't understand, nothing I say can help that. LOL!
• I would like to meet Taylor Swift. Yes, I am a Swifty... I am who I am. :)

Looking to the future can be difficult, especially when I still worry about recurrence. Just knowing I am checking things off of my list makes me so happy and gives me such a feeling of fulfillment. 

I would love to hear about other people's bucket lists. What is on yours?

Ending 2022

Something really wonderful about a lack of blog posts is that it implies I am busy living life.

It has truly been a good year. Work has been a blast, and I adore all of my co-workers. It is a blessing to like working with those around you. They make my job a good one. Low drama, high output, and an all around fun and enjoyable atmosphere. Can't complain!

My side hustles have taken off pretty well, too. I've started focusing a lot on what I care about like crafting and photography, and if I can turn that into something that isn't just costing money, it can make me money, too, well, that's even better! So, B & C's Crafty cottage is doing well, and as of January when I started back up with photos, Grandma's Little Gallery Photography is also steady. The kids, the work, the crafts, and life all keep me busy.

The kids are great. I now have a 14 year old which blows my mind, but he is such a great kid. We just had high school open house, and I wanted to throw up the entire time. He, on the other hand, was buzzing with anticipation. I know he'll love high school. He has done so great in middle school and made such a good group of friends. He surprises me every day.

The 12 year old is another story. He hasn't taken to middle school quite as well. He is really struggling to stay focused this year. I hired a tutor to try to help him along, but until he decides he WANTS to do better, this is going to be a tough time to get through. He's still the sweetest kid with the biggest heart, but boy when he decides he doesn't like something, he really goes head first. I am still hoping we can turn this school year around. We'll have to see how it goes.

The little one is as sassy as ever. I can see a little bit of me in her, like when she started to plan her 6th birthday party the day after her 5th birthday party. Yes, that's definitely me. I can also see a lot of her dad in her, like when she refuses help when she is trying to do something or figure something out. That is 100% Tyler.

All three kids and healthy and for the most part happy. You know kids, God forbid I ask them to hang out when all they want to do is play with their friends or play video games. Evelyn has started playing video games with the boys now, too. She's actually quite good. She has been keeping up with the boys lately, and it's awesome to see them all interact and play together. Despite the age differences, the boys really make her feel welcome and part of the group when the three are them are together. They are great big brothers.

My October oncology appointment went fine. I had one count that was slightly elevated, but my doctor confirmed it's because I need to lose weight. So, that will be a big focus in the coming months. Eat less, move more. Sometimes just that reminder is enough to kick me back into gear. It is a lot harder these days to lose the weight than it was before all my surgeries. I am sure age is also a contributing factory. Everything gets harder the older we get.

One really amazing things that I did this year was get my mastectomy tattoos. It's something I was so looking forward to, and with most of the covid restrictions gone, I finally got it completed. It feels great and the artist I went to was fabulous. I have a coverup coming up this spring on my left arm. I was going to try and get that done this past fall, but my lymphedema was acting up, so I pushed it out until March. Losing weight and cooler weather help resolve some of the swelling.

That is all I have! Bring on 2023!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, well, well. It's been about 15 months since I wrote a blog. Back at the end of 2020 I was still really struggling with PTSD and anxiety. My life has changed in ways I wouldn't have every imagined 15 months ago.

Fast forward to present day, and I swear to you, I am the same me just minus the severe anxiety! Is it a miracle drug? Nope. Just good-old-fashioned talk therapy! I found myself an incredible therapist back in 2020, and when my insurance changed in 2021 it took me a few tries, but I found another really wonderful therapist. Between the two of them, I was given the tools and confidence to take control of my anxiety. I have had the unique ability to not only overcome my PTSD, but also control my anxiety more than I've ever been able to before.

In addition to my two amazing therapists, I also formally became an ABCD mentor in December 2020. I think this helped the MOST with my PTSD and recurrence fears. I like to say that becoming a mentor gave the ugliest piece of my life meaning. I am helping others who are struggling with the BC diagnosis, because I have been in their shoes. It's a truly amazing thing to acknowledge that my journey is helping others through theirs. As of today, I have mentored 17 participants for various concerns through their journey. More information on ABCD and their work can be found here: abcdbreastcancersupport.org

Through ABCD, I was also asked to give an interview to the Institute of Beauty and Wellness for their annual fund raiser. All proceeds for the fund raiser go toward ABCD and helping to fund their amazing work. For the full fund raiser video you can follow this link (My interview is at the 1 hour 9 min mark): https://youtu.be/kxmR7xx5wMY

I also wrote a brief summary of my cancer journey for Susan G. Komen for them to feature on their blog and use in fundraiser blasts. When the marketing editor for Komen reached out to me for a photo, I debated sending a current picture, but in the end I decided that a photo from my last chemo treatment felt like a better fit.  That blog post can be found here: https://blog.komen.org/blog/the-hardest-year/

It's amazing the things I've been able to achieve now that my primary focus isn't on controlling my anxiety:

• got a promotion at my employer (woo-hoo)
  
• left that employer 4 months later for an amazing opportunity (yes, left my job of 6 years! I shocked even myself!)
• went back to college to finish my business management degree (Graduation is June '23!)
• decided to get back into my art (which took a dive after I was diagnosed) and even started a side gig as a photographer ( www.grandmaslittlegallery.com )
• getting monthly massages as a treat for myself
• am actually back to enjoying every day and not sweating the small stuff

I jokingly told my therapist last month that talking to her makes me a between wife, but in reality it was no joke at all.

I feel great, inside and out.

My next surgical check-up is 2/10, followed by my oncology appointment on 4/25. I have no concerns, and hope to keep it that way!

October 2020 post 9 - Plans

One of my anxiety triggers is when plans go awry. 

I’m not talking about when you plan to make chicken for dinner and it goes spoiled and you can’t make it, but bigger picture plans. I can adapt to day to day changes yet struggle when we have to shift trajectory on our “buying a new car” plan or “fixing up the house” plan.

My husband doesn’t understand it, and I have begun to take my hands off the reigns, let him do whatever he wants, and periodically make passive aggrieved remarks if there’s something I’m not in agreement with. Healthy, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I do try to speak my mind, but when someone doesn’t understand your anxiety trigger because their mind doesn't work the same way, you’re just shouting into a void. It’s better to just coast along with it sometimes, especially when it takes some of the pressure off of you. It helps calm the panic. 

Tyler not understanding my anxiety triggers is probably the #1 argument starter in our marriage. He also suffers from anxiety, but his manifests as head aches and crabbiness. Mine is more intense and impossible to ignore at its worst; nausea, tears, shakes, inability to function, inability to think or speak in complete sentences, severe anger, severe sadness, rocking, exhaustion, and more. He gets a little cranky and his head hurts, and he doesn’t understand my reactions. His go to is “just calm down.”

I have no expectation of him understanding, and I am trying very hard to be able to vocalize my anxiety better. It’s just not that simple. When I say “I thought we had a plan”, I mean, “I don’t like how you’ve changed our plan and it’s upsetting my internal balance.” If I say the latter, he will try to logic his way out of it. That’s his go to; he tries to apply logic to something illogical. Mental health ya’ll. What a mind fuck.

So, today I’m sitting on the couch, rocking (at a faster pace than usual), and trying to figure out a logical way to explain to my husband that the decisions he’s been making for the last month are giving me so much anxiety that I’m having chest pain. (No, I’m not having a heart attack.) He won’t stop what he’s doing, he’ll just feel bad about it for an hour. That doesn’t do either of us any good, so how do I approach this? So far, I’ve pretty much repeated the words “do whatever you want” way too many times this week. There HAS to be a better way to not be so anxious over changes to big plans, right? 

There has to be... Something better than “get over it” and “calm down”. There has to be.

October 2020 - post 8

 What is the best ice cream? I know it's fall, but is it ever really NOT ice cream or custard season?

My brother and I were discussing flavors recently, and we both agreed that cookies and cream is one of the BEST! I love anything with mint, he does. I also love chocolate with cherries or peanut butter, he wasn't as into that either. He likes anything with caramel, which I do not favor. 

Moreover, where is the best place to buy custard or ice cream? My husband likes Dairy Queen, I prefer custard shops like Culvers or Kopps. My brother is in agreement with me here. The kids like Culvers. I recently tried gelato for the first time ever; does that supersede ice cream and custard? I think not. 

And who has the best store bought brand? We tend to lean toward Breyers. Are there better options? 

I sit here, eating a bowl of cookies and cream custard from Culvers, (don't worry I took a lactaid) pondering the meaning of life from an ice cream standpoint. 

My follow up oncology appointment is one week from today, and I feel more and more anxious the closer it gets to the actual appointment. I’m not expecting any surprises, I feel good, and I think that’s what scares me the most. 

I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our life is looking more and more like it used to, and I feel more and more happy and relaxed, and now I have my five month check up exactly 2 years after my initial diagnosis, and it’s almost like I’m too happy with life. Maybe if I were miserable I wouldn’t be so panicked about my check up, because then I would be expecting the worst. 

This, however, it’s almost more difficult. Here I am, happy with life, and I can’t help but feel afraid that I’m going to go to my appointment and it’s going to slap me in the face again like it did last time.

Here’s hoping things are as good as I feel.